Week 4 picks: Straight outta Quarantine

Apparently, this little fella slipped into the oyster roast we had this week and slapped a big sloppy kiss on us when we weren't looking. That kiss, no matter how exhilarating, has laid us up the entire latter part of the week. Never fear. Just like Philo Beddoe, we're not gonna let monkey get the best of us. Yeah, yeah, we know...Clyde was an orangutan. But it allows us to tell you that the BTPC is gonna get the week 4 picks done, "Anywhich way we can."

In fact, after last weeks miraculous 12-3 run, the U.S. Government has offered to lend a hand, sending these guys behind the pine curtain to help us out.

I have no idea how Rod Tidwell, Kaiser Soze and Tootsie are supposed to help us, but how can I say no to help from three guys dressed like that Calvin Klein kid who mysteriously showed up in Hill Valley, CA back in 1955? I don't think I can.

Okay...on with the picks.

Lions (+10) v. BEARS = This Detroit team looks scrappy. But they're playing at Chicago and Kevin Smith is dinged up. I think this is a good test for the Bears. If they can beat the Lions by 10 at home without Urlacher, maybe they're a playoff contender. I do not yet believe.

BTPC pick = Lions lose, but gamblers win.

Bengals (-6) v. BROWNS = Hi...I'm Eric Mangini. Have you seen my team?

BTPC pick = Bengals cover.

Raiders (+9) v. TEXANS = This Texans team encapsulates the Texans problems from the last few years: no one knows what kind of team Houston is, nor which team will show up. How the hell do they lose a shootout at home to the Jags? How do you have that many quality defensive players and yet can't stop anyone? And my god...what is the deal with those god-awful red-unitard-looking uniforms? You all look like you lost a challenge on Big Brother. Add on top of this the news that a Texan was diagnosed with the swine flu and it makes this pick easy.


BTPC pick = Oakland loses but gamblers win.

Seahawks (+10.5) v. COLTS = This Seahawk team was also scrappy last week. I think Seneca and the boys keep it close.

BTPC pick = 'Hawks lose but gamblers win.

Titans (-3) v. JAGUARS = Always go with the 'stache over the coif.

BTPC pick = Titans cover.

Giants (-9) v. CHIEFS = Hey, Chiefs fans...on the plus side, I understand you have really good barbecue.

BTPC pick = Giants cover.

Ravens (+1.5) v. PATRIOTS = Tom Brady missed so many throws last week, that Gisele even covered her eyes.


Despite this, the Pats still beat a NFC contender (alleged) in Atlanta. The Ravens are the consensus favorites in the AFC. Bill Belicheck does not like that. That win last week for the Pats was a sign that the Pats still have it. Really good teams win games against good teams when they play like shit.

BTPC pick = Pats cover.

REDSKINS (-7.5) v. Bucs = UPSET SPECIAL! Considering I'm 0-4 on upset specials (my brilliant plan to pick two last week did not help matters at all), these only thing special about these upsets is how bad they are. So I figure, what the hell. I'm sorry...I just don't think the Jim Zorn-led Redskins are 7.5 points better than anyone. If you read Peter King's MMQB, you know that King was doing his regular name-dropping this week by talking about a super-secret, private, only-told-to-him-because-he-kisses-his-very-rotund-keister-so-well Mike Holmgren story. Why is that important? Because the football gods love punishing boy-king Danny Snyder and what better way than to have a terrible Bucs team walk into DC and whip your heavily favored club, leading to endless talk-radio ponderings on whether or not the Walrus is coming. I don't want the points. I don't need the points. But I'll take the points.

BTPC pick = Bucs

DOLPHINS (+1.5) v. Bills = I am nothing if not a homer. The Chad Henne era begins today in Miami. Here's to hoping it is better than the Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Brian Griese and Gus Ferrote eras. The injury to Pennington is probably a good thing for Miami in both the short-term and long-term. Short term, it's gonna force Miami to focus more on Ronnie Brown, which they need to do. Brown is the type of guy who gets better with carriers. You have to keep putting the ball in his hands. Long term, Miami gets to a) see what they have in Henne; and, b) finally actually utilize Pat White in the Wildcat. Expect to see some throwing from the Wildcat this week.

BTPC pick = Miami and their new QB gets off the snide and covers.

SAINTS (-7) v. Jets = Mark Sanchez is turning out ok. But asking him to keep pace with Drew Brees...that ain't gonna happen. The Saints bring Big Green back to Earth.

BTPC pick = Saints cover.

BRONCOS (+3) v. Cowboys = Hi...I'm Tony Romo and I'm a...*gulp*...game manager. Boy...Dallas fans certainly did not think they would be talking up Romo's "game management" skills, did they? QB1 of the Cowboys ain't supposed to be a game manager. He's supposed to be a superhuman gunslinger. If we're going with game managers...I'm gonna go with the guy who has more experience in that area: Kyle Orton.

BTPC pick = Broncos cover.

NINERS (-9.5) v. Rams = I am so very sorry that Mike Singletary's young upstarts had to become the victims of this season's Brett-Favre-didn't-come-back-for-the-money-he-came-back-for-the-love-of-the-game-bullshit-pulling-it-out-of-his-ass-play. Don't worry Niners. You keep pluggin away and you can run back into those guys in November, when Old Father time has started breaking down and throwing pick-sixes. Until then...you guys go easy on the Rams, ok?

BTPC pick = Niners cover.

Chargers (+6.5) v. STEELERS = Rivers is out to show he's better than Big Ben. Big Ben can't hear him, because he's got a championship ring stuffed in one ear and sexual assault suit papers stuffed in the other. Fortunately for Rivers, he's got the most exciting player on the field on his side: Sproles.

BTPC pick = Chargers cover.

Packers (+3.5) v. VIKINGS = I can't qualify how much I would love to see Aaron Rodgers walk into the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome and whip the old man's ass. Unfortunately, I don't see it happening. It's still early in the season and Favre has not started his annual late-season swoon. I think the Vikes, riding the emotional high from last week, win this one and win it big enough to cover.

BTPC pick = Vikes cover.

Last week: 12-3, upsets 0-2
Season to date: 27-17-2, upsets 0-4