Idol replaces Ellen with J-Lo's booty

Or...it could be more like replaces Simon. We hear Jenny from the Block's posterior can be quite hard. Either way, reports are saying it's a done deal. As if we did not need anymore proof that Idol had jumped the shark...

We like Natalie...

So Itunes had an essentials album go up this week with an offering from Natalie Merchant. The whole album is less than $7, but you can purchase any track individually.

We still have plenty of 10,000 Maniacs and Tigerlilly on the old Ipod, but listening to Natalie do Randy Newman's Political Science, If I Only Had a Brain from the Wizard of Oz, and her own Kind and Generous, in the stripped down setting of this offering reminded us of how great Merchant's voice is.

There's a man in the port-a-john selling aftershave. What's that all about?

As is the usual custom, we were forced to sit through Entertainment Tonight last night and caught a piece on Bill and Hillary's single-handed attempt to stimulate upstate NY's economy, aka Chelsea's wedding.

At a rumored price tag of $3 million dollars, you just know there has to be some ridonkulous extravagance. Look no further than the shitters. The Clinton's will supposedly be dropping $15k on high-end portable bathroom trailers.

"The Clintons would opt, fittingly, for the Presidential Series Luxury
Washrooms, which are equipped with vanities for the ladies, sinks with hot
water, marble interior, air conditioning, skylights and flushing toilets, plus
plenty of paper products and soap."

We can't help but hope Eric Hyman and the Gamecock Club have seen these trailers and have an entire fleet awaiting us on the fairgrounds this year.

The upstate prison flavor to make you ugly all night long...

God...we miss Phil Hartman. So when you wanna get sick, remember, nothing makes yo feet stank like Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor. Daaaaammmmn!

Best of II

Best of III

Best of IV

Best of V

BTPC Market Report for Tuesday: Expect big gains in Bronzer and Hair Care futures

There was a situation at the New York Stock Exchange this morning. Actually, it was The Situation, along with JWoww, Snooki, Pauly D and the rest of the cast of Jersey Shore. They appeared at the NYSE to ring the bell for the opening of today's trading.

Alas, as the video below shows, CNBC's crew was not allowed to be interviewed. So, we were denied watching CNBC's Mark Haines grill JWoww about why she remains so heavily invested in Silicon Valley or watch him try to wrap his meager mind around The Situation explaining to him that this is the shirt before the shirt.

Guess it's no MIG-28 as it can't seem to pull the 4G inverted dive

Check out the video below of a pretty damn lucky Canadian Air Force pilot.

BP thinks you are an imbecile

Good news, everybody! British Petroleum has concluded they're not grossly negligent for the Gulf Oil Spill. Whew...that's a load off our mind. For a while there, we thought our faith in the goodness of corporations (borne from the Gekkoian philosophy that "greed is good") was misplaced. Nice to know it wasn't the altruistic corporation that was to blame.

Now...let's get to work on taking down that big, bad government!

If only this method could work for our clients. Good news. After a thorough investigation, we are pleased to announce Mr. Manson did not kill the LaBianca's and Sharon Tate, nor did he attempt to incite a race war. He is in fact, Not Guilty. Now, if you do not mind, State of California, please relase our client.

It's Friday...time to let your freak flag fly.

We will be getting an early start on the weekend, cutting out of Flotown around lunch. Destination: Hotlanta. Agenda: Chris Isaak at the Chastain Amphitheater and hopefully some kick-ass dining at Woodfire Grill with Chef Kevin Gillespie ( of Top Chef Las Vegas fame).



Hope you have a good weekend. And remember...if you're driving, don't drink. And if you drink...don't drive.

BTPC locates the infamous Billie Jean...

Remember...she wasn't Jacko's lover. She was just a girl who thought that he was the one. Oh...and that kid? He was not his son.

Spied off of Highway 261.

Wait...you mean we aren't supposed to have girlfriends?

Anyone who follows this blog knows we are addicted to the reality television train wrecks that are The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Well, last night, our early pick to win it, Frank broke our young damsel's heart by picking his "ex"-girlfriend over Ali.

Let us be perfectly clear, we picked Frank because everyone knows these couples never last. And what better pick is there of a coupled doomed to split up, than an annoying-fake-laughing, young blond and an obviously closeted "retail manager." (For the record, we think "retail manager" means the guy who dresses the mannequins. *fingersnap* Hey...)

Seriously, we're pretty sure Frank and his girlfriend were on the outs because Frank stole the jeans and tank top he wore during last week's hometown date from his "ex." Anyway...check out the video below where Jimmy Kimmel points out Frank foreshadowed this dilemma earlier.

Robert Arial ain't scurred of sh*t...

South Cackilack's political cartoonist laureate, Robert Arial, ain't scared of diving head first into the Nikki Haley-Sexism-Raghead waters. And dive in he has, with his latest showing Naughty Nikki in both a bikini and a burqa.

As a cartoonist, you're really rolling the dice when you mix Islam and cartoons. Just sayin'.

Hattip FITSNews.

Cocaine is a helluva drug...

Intrepid news hounds The Enquirer is running a story that the original diva, Whitney Houston, has a $6,300 a week cocaine habit. That's over $300k per year.

$6,300 a week! That, my friends, is a shit load of blow. Let's say Whitney is scoring premium, blue flakes right off the boat and was getting raped for like $500 an 8-ball. That means she is burning through almost two of those a day.

It reminds us of some advice one of our favorite old defense attorneys here in town once offered up:

You know how much cocaine someone will buy? As much as you will fucking sell to 'em. Nobody ever just says, "Nah...I think that's too much coke. I don't really want that much." How ever much money someone that does cocaine has, that's as much cocaine as that person is gonna buy.

Obviously, the first question that comes to our mind is if Whitney is spending $6,300 a week on a coke habit, my god...how often was she demanding sex with Bobby Brown, who she admitted to Oprah she was "addicted" to? Poor guy.

Sarah Plain and Dumb

In case you missed it yesterday, former half-term Governor and current They representative ("they" as in the "them" who keep crying "they" are gonna take "their" country back), Sarah Palin, gave us all another example of how non-bright she is.

Palin tweeted:

So, what's all the hubbub, bub? Well, "refudiate" is not a word. Now...being that we blog and tweet, we will be the first to admit that our grammar ain't (see!) always the best, especially in those mediums. We have had more than our fair share of misspellings and other poor grammar, so...no big deal. Palin came back with a subsequent tweet asking "peaceful New Yorkers" to "refute the Ground Zero Mosque plan." So she doesn't understand that "repudiate" and "refute" are two separate words. We gotcha.

Or...we think her sharpie writing may have just smeared.

(We will ignore for the purposes of this post, the utter hypocrisy in Palin seemingly desiring to curtail religious freedom and we suppose have government step in and stop a private entity from doing whatever they damn well please with their own property, because we all know religious freedom and anti-government sentiment for people like Palin are based strictly on their own terms: principles they are for or against depending on their own interests).

So...again...what's the big deal?

Well...to defend herself, Plain elected to put herself beside the Bard, William Shakespeare. Uh...we don't think so, sista.

Nevertheless, it has led to all kinds of fun on Twitter with a new topic trending: Shakespalin. Some of the best so far:

-How's all that bein' or not bein' working out for ya?

-But soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the East, and I can see Russia from my front porch.

-To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous liberals, or to quit half-term, and by opposing, rake in speaking fees.

-Those clamorous harbingers of blood and death panels.

-A moose, a moose! My governorship for a moose!

The BTPC says so long to James Gammon

One of our favorite character actors, James Gammon, has died. Gammon succumbed Friday to cancer at the age of 70.

Gammon was in a host of films and tv shows, most often tasked with playing a cowboy or good ole boy. Gammon was well suited to such roles, thanks to his distinctive, gravelly voice. His biggest roles were arguably as Cleveland Indians Manager Lou Brown in the Major League franchise of movies and as Nick Bridges, father of Don Johnson's Nash Bridges in the television show.

We will always remember him as Dawson from Silverado, saying to Emmett: "Mind? You bring a posse to my best hideout and you ask me if I mind? Mister, I don't know any of those names. You're about to die."

But he will definitely always be remembered by those of us who were children of the 80s as Lou Brown, who wanted us to forget about the curve ball and just give 'em the heater.

Farethewell, Lou. And we won't give you none of that Olé shit.

It's Sunday and we know you wanna do the Jane Fonda...

A little Sunday afternoon music inspired by reorganizing some of our iTunes library. Enjoy.

The Clientele - paper planes (m.i.a. cover) from mm1 on Vimeo.

Looks like the Bluths are finally coming to the big screen

About a week ago, we saw this quote from Will Arnett regarding the Arrested Development movie: "Yes it's happening." Given the on again, off again status of this project ever since Arrested Development was canceled, we did not want to get too excited.

But on the heels of Arnett's comment, comes confirmation from Arrested's creator Mitch Hurwitz that yes...they have started the script and all the principle cast members are on board. That's good news, because with the cancellation of Better Off Ted, we've been going through Portia de Rossi withdrawal. Yes...we know...she's Ellen's partner. That is true and we don't care.

One of our favorite AD quotes from Gob: "Illusions, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money...(seeing kids)...or candy!"

Slow train coming to DIRECTV

DIRECTV gets "reform, Lamar. Reform..." Sunday night at 9pm when they start a run of all five season of The Wire. Tune in to The 101 this Sunday and find out what happened to Snot Boogie.

Happy Birthday to the gal who inspired an entire generation to make sure the bathroom door was locked

Holy cow we are getting old. Why do we say that? Because Phoebe Cates turned 47 today. Wow. Time flies, huh? It seems like only yesterday, that young Linda Barrett had us all Moving in Stereo as she climbed out of Stacy and Brad Hamilton's pool.

BTW, did you hear that surfer guy pulled a knife on Mr. Hand?

Hattip theBigPicture

Down goes the Aggregator

We readily admit we procrastinated the hell out of getting into the whole blog-traffic-aggregator thing. After much prompting from Reino, one of the grandfathers of SC blogging with SC6, we finally signed up for Blognetnews back around the first of June.

We also readily admit we enjoyed seeing how the 'Pine did compared to other blogs (even if we have no idea how they do their rankings) and also appreciate Blognetnews turning us on to other blogs we did not know about.

Having said all that, it looks like the party is over. Blognetnews has gone down like Sonny Liston and does not appear to be getting back up.

If anyone has a suggestion for a new aggregator (Reino?) we are all ears. Until then, we will just claim to be the number one blog on our block. Although we hear the kid several houses down has a wicked awesome crazy bands blog...

No more effin' up the rotation!

For those who spent years perfecting the art of "puff-puff-give," fear not the rotation anymore. Check out the latest in THC delivery: Med-Strips. Think minty-flavored Listerine-like breath strips that not only freshen your breath, but that also deliver 625mg of THC.

Far out, man.

Adam Corolla said he took half of one of these before going to the movies with his wife and it was awesome. We know they've got earthquakes, gangbangers and outrageous home prices, but God really does try to balance shit out with California, doesn't she?

Christian Bale calls Mel Gibson to lend some advice...

In the wake of the public release of Mel Gibson's sexist, racist and profane phone recordings to his baby's mama, Christian Bale contacted his buddy Mel Gibson to lend some advice. You're going to watch the video below...but you will blow us first.

Kate Gosselin is single and crazy

So we saw this article about how Kate Gosselin is declaring herself single and ready to mingle and had to laugh.

"Kate's confidence is amazing," an insider tells me. "She thinks she is a fantastic catch. Not only does she think she has never looked better, Kate also now has a ton of money. As far as she's concerned, there is nothing not to like. She's beautiful, rich and thinks of herself as very easy to get along with."

First, if she thinks anyone is buying the "easy to get along with" line, then she is obviously hoping to meet a recently released convict or someone that has been trapping exotic bugs deep in the Amazon for the last 5 years with no exposure to television or the Internet. Secondly, "nothing not to like"...uh...how about the 8 little rugrats and the camera crew? Finally, while we were huge Bones Brigade fans back in the day, we really can't bring ourselves to get aroused by a woman sporting Tony Hawks haircut from the late 80s. Just sayin...

Young girl, get out of my mind...

Someone has accused Uncle Jesse from Full House of a love that is way out of line. Meet Allison Cross, who allegedly had a fling with John Stamos back in 2004. So what, you ask? Well...back in 2004, Allison was a 17-year old on Spring Break in Florida with friends when Stamos is alleged to have invited her and a female friend up to his hotel room where he supposedly was photographed hanging out with strippers and cocaine.

Eventually, Cross and some nightclub owner buddy of hers named Scott Sippola allegedly tried to extort $680,000 out of Stamos. Stamos went to the cops, a sting was set up and Cross and Sippola were arrested. Yesterday, Stamos faced Cross in court.

Listen...before you get too hard on Uncle Stamos for taking a 17-year old and her friend up to a hotel room filled with strippers and coke, take the following into consideration.

At the time, Stamos was having to deal with losing this...



to this.


Could not have been easy, you know. Anyway...it gives us a great opportunity to revisit a little Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. Hey...the music industry has never been turned off by statutory rape.


Late add:
This post spurned a discussion this afternoon about all the songs devoted to this topic. We were able to come up with the following (feel free to add your own in the comments):
-I Saw Her Standing There - Beatles
-I'm on fire - The Boss
-Girl You'll be a Woman Soon - Neil Diamond (but better known for the Urge Overkill version from Pulp Fiction)
-She's Sexy and 17 - Stray Cats
-Don't Stand so Close to Me - Police
-Hot Blooded - Foreigner

Perhaps the most blatant other than Puckett and the Union Gap:
-Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves - Cher ("Papa would have shot him if he'd knew what he'd done." She became a "gal in trouble" for crying out loud!)
-

Love....treeeewww love.

Not for nothing...but it can't be good for your "family values" candidate that your daughter had to hide her engagement from you. Can it? Oh...that darn MSM like US Weekly...it's just so out to get her.

Hattip TheBigPicture.

"The Hills fakes its own death tonight"

Props to TV Tattle for the best headline regarding tonight's series ender for MTV's "reality" show, The Hills. The idea that this was a reality show has really been all but dropped by MTV, as over the course of its life, it leaked out that scenes were staged, reshot and cast members were even texted dialogue by the crew.




When it is all said and done, someone should go back and closely watch all the footage of this show to find out how our whack culture can cause a relatively attractive young lady to totally go Frankenstein on herself, ala Heidi Montag. As if hooking up with a jagoff like Spencer Pratt isn't enough, Montag literally butchered herself into becoming a real life, plastic Barbie doll. And Spencer...he's no Ken. Seriously...it looks like a completely different person, no?

As our lady reminisced the other night when we saw the promo for tonight's show: who ever thought they'd miss Stephen. Word. When you're left pining for a lame, James Dean wannabe, where does that tell you your show has gone? In the crapper.

So long, Hills. Don't let the door hit you in your ass on the way out.

The BTPC says so long to the Big Stein

Today, infamous Yankee owner George Steinbrenner passed away. For those that were wondering, in law school, they don't teach Steinbrenner until the third year.

Enjoy some of the Big Stein's moments from Seinfeld here and here.

Thank god it's them instead of you...

Today marks the 25th anniversary of Live Aid, the day that "music changed the world." You know...it's hard to believe there is still hunger and suffering 25 years after a mulleted-Bono and a young George Michael sporting the worlds first metrosexually-groomed beard trotted onto a stage and along with their friends uttered the most bizarre lyric of the 80s (the "thank god it's them instead of you" line). We just don't understand how people can continue to starve. Didn't they get the memo?

Anyway...enjoy the video if for nothing else than checking out the mullets.

Happy 73rd to the Cos

Today is Bill Cosby's 73rd birthday. In his honor, the BTPC posts one of Dr. Huxtable's most memorable moments...his tap dance challenge with Sandman Simms. Enjoy.

What would Sgt. Murtaugh think?

Meet Oksana Grigorieva, the mother of Mel Gibson's love child. Over the last two weeks or so, we've been treated to reminders of just how racist and crazy Mel is. In fact, we are beginning to think he is as crazy as his character from Lethal Weapon, Sgt. Martin Riggs.

In case you've missed it, Oksana apparently has been leaking recordings of Gibson going all "sugartits"-crazy. From telling her, “You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault,” to dropping the C-word all over the conversations, Mel apparently really is Mad Max. But it's not all bad...as WWTDD points out, at least Mel still has his comedic timing as evidenced by the following leaked line: “I am going to come and burn the f**king house down… but you will blow me first.”

This just in...we just received a voicemail that Roger Murtaugh left for his good friend Riggs: "You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!"

Happy Belated Birthday, Sexual Napalm...

We failed to realize the woman John Mayer compared to crack in bed (as in he'd sell all his stuff just to keep hitting "the pipe") turned 30 yesterday. Forgive us Jessica.

Wow...30...that's like almost 32.

Happy Birthday to Atticus, Scout and Boo

Harper Lee's literary classic "To Kill a Mockingbird" turns 50 today. The book read by most of us in middle school won the Pulitzer Prize, sold more than 30 million copies, been the basis for a movie that won 3 academy awards and beat the Bible as the most inspirational book of all time. It also has managed to be the 21st most challenged book according to the American Library Association for the years 2000-2009, which brings us to the question, what idiots in this day and age think children shouldn't be reading To Kill A Mockingbird?

Lee set the timeless classic in fictional Maycomb, Alabama, which was modeled after her hometown of Monroeville, Alabama. Monroeville has been hosting a 4-day, 50th anniversary celebration this weekend with marathon readings, tours and the opportunity for fans to sample Monroeville's signature drink: a Tequila Mockingbird.

Lee most likely will not be spotted. She has famously stayed out of the public eye since writing this American classic, which netted her the Pulitzer in 1971 and garnered Gregory Peck an Academy Award for Best Actor two years later. In fact, Lee has not given any interviews since 1964. On Thursday, we were on the road and caught a great Talk of the Nation on NPR where they interview Mary McDonagh Murphy who has written a book titled, "Scout, Atticus and Boo: A Celebration of Fifty Years of To Kill A Mockingbird."

During the interview, Murphy explained how pained Lee became after her childhood neighbor and friend, Truman Capote became extremely jealous over Lee's Pulitzer prize. Lee traveled with Capote, at his request, when he went to research the bloody Kansas murders that would become the basis of Capote's own classic: In Cold Blood. Perhaps it was the gossip and rumor over their strained relationship that led Lee into her subsequent life of public seclusion. Or perhaps, she is just a private lady who wishes to remain private. Regardless, Lee has bee quoted as saying, regarding her never writing another book, where else is there to go? Indeed...Harper Lee managed to do something very few can ever achieve: perfection. And she did it on her first novel. Hard to top that.

If you want to know how timeless this story is, simply consider the quote below, spoken by Atticus, and consider the current Tea Party rage this country is experiencing. A rage allegedly rising from concern over government spending, despite the fact that the previous administration was the most fiscally irresponsible administration in recent memory. Yet...this movement didn't come about until the United States elected its first black President. Coincidence?

Why reasonable people go stark raving mad when anything involving a Negro comes up, is something I don't pretend to understand.

Now...we could go on and on quoting our favorite passages from this novel. Obviously, we think the best material arises in the court room. While our favorite is probably the "Stand up, Ms. Jean-Louise, your father's passin'," we'll just end with Atticus' closing argument.

Last night's trainwreck: LeBron asks Cleveland to tell him how his a** tastes

So...LeBron James decided to bail on Ohio and join Wade and Bosh down on South Beach. We don't think anyone can say it is a surprise that someone decides it's better to live in Florida than Cleveland.

Yeah...we know we predicted LeBron would stay (while hoping he actually went to our beloved Knicks). We got that one wrong. Shocker. If you are familiar with our football prognosticating, you would know, we are a sure thing...to get exactly 50% of our predictions right.

We stand by our reasoning for why it made sense for LeBron to stay given the self-promoting circus his boyz created to announce the decision. And we stand by our ripping of ESPN NBA Insider Chris Broussard, who finally grew a set last night and was willing to make a prediction: that the Heat would win the Eastern Conference. Wow...ballsy, Broussard.

Last night...not long after LeBron pulled a PR equivalent to Shaq's notorious rap asking Kobe to sample his defecation, Cleveland Cavaliers majority owner shat all over LeBron. In an open letter to fans, Gilbert went nuclear on Ohio's homegrown basketball savior. Some choice excerpts:

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

And:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

YOWZA!

We think LeBron's overall image won't suffer too long for this. He did, after all, take less money to join a better team. Isn't that usually what we kill professional athletes for NOT doing? However...we don't think he will ever repair his image in Ohio. We still think it was an incredibly ill-conceived way to break this news if you were in fact "heart torn."

But a bit of advice to Cavalier fans wishing to burn their LeBron Jerseys: Have you guys seen the prices for throwbacks? Hold on to those suckers. They'll be worth some loot one day.

Tonight at 9pm, we will all be Witnesses...

to the biggest contrived sports & media event in recent memory: ESPN's "The Decision." For those who don't follow sports or who have been in a deep carbon-freeze ala Han Solo, "The Decision" is a one-hour special tonight on ESPN where NBA free agent LeBron James will announce the team he has chosen to sign a new contract with.

(In related news, feel free to check the Twitter feed on this blog tonight at 9pm, where we will exclusively announce our decision regarding our first after-dinner cocktail after our board meeting in Greenwood. Right now, the odds are on a nice single-malt, but you can never count out an homage to Jeffery Lebowski aka a white Russian).

We awoke this morning to "reports" that "sources" were saying LeBron was leaning towards joining fellow Olympic team members DeWayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami. Yet there are those who insist LeBron can't turn his back on his "hometown" of Cleveland (even though his actual hometown is Akron). So since everyone is weighing in, what do we think?



First, we have been New York Knickerbocker fans since they signed one of our all-time favorite college players, Patrick Ewing. After the Knicks signed Amare Stoudemire and the Wade-Bosh train pulled into Miami, there has been a brief stirring of the once-dead NY coals, bringing a bit of the LeBron-to-NY fire back to life. Would that it were. The Knicks have without a doubt spent the last 3 years been betting on getting LeBron. Knick fans have been shamelessly throwing themselves at LeBron every single game he has played in NY, like Snooki throws her head at tanned, juiced-up guidos. If LeBron doesn't come to MSG, the Knicks and their fans are gonna feel just as slutty as Snooki does when she hooks up with her juiceheads in the club, only to get dissed on the walk back to the beach house when the guido sees a hotter chick. Come on...we (like Snooki) have feelings, you know.

So where do we think LeBron is gonna land? We admit, after the stinker game he had in crapping out of the playoffs (that Game 5 at home), we felt certain LeBron was gone. Then, came FA and it really looked like Chicago or Miami would get him. Chicago, because, without a doubt, they had the best complimentary, young talent to go along with LeBron. Miami, because we all heard about the 3 Olympic teammates pact to play together.

Come on, 'Pine...pick a destination. Ok, ok...we're no ESPN NBA Insider like Chris Broussard , who wins our title of most lame-ass "insider" for his refusal to simply pick a destination on Mike & Mike late last week when confronted by ESPN's Chad Ford. Broussard, when teased by Ford to just pick one...you can change your mind, kept saying: it's a "very fluid situation" and the "smartest" answer was to say that "it's a very fluid situation." WTF? You work for ESPN. ESPN is not a journalistic enterprise. For crying out loud, your employer has created this sideshow by relentlessly hyping the "Summer of LeBron" for the past two years. You're biggest journalistic "scoop" of your career has been "confirming" that your bosses were agreeing to whore themselves to LeBron tonight for an hour. Wanting to act like you're a journalist while working at ESPN is like the gal over at the GNC store wanting to call herself a healthcare professional. It's fantasy land, yo.

Yeah...yeah...ok, we'll stop beating the mud outta Broussard and get to our prediction. We predict....drumroll...that LeBron James resigns with Cleveland. (And we do so with full knowledge that Broussard's "sources" have led him to "report" this morning that LeBron is going to Miami). So why do we pick Cleveland?

Simple...this has all the makings of a corny-ass PR stunt. Just the kind of crap we can see LeBron and his pals pulling. Further...we can totally see them straight-up using a "journalist" like Broussard today by leaking the Miami info to him, Broussard jumping on it like a rabid dog, then LeBron "shocking" everyone by returning to his "hometown" tonight, thus creating a big PR win for LeBron in the process. If tonight's event isn't to announce his resigning with Cleveland, we'll be shocked and it will be a very poorly played hand by LeBron and his boys. We could go into detail about how stupid it would be for him to so publicly drive the shiv into the heart of Cleveland, but Jason Whitlock has already done a pretty good job on it (and also offered up an interesting theory on some "assistance" LeBron is gonna get in Cleveland thanks to David Stern).

In addition to the "you're killing Cleveland fans unnecessarily" argument, here's another reason we don't see Miami happening: Wade. It's the similar reason we think LeBron ain't going to Chicago: Rose. Both Wade and Rose are ball-in-the-hand players. So is LeBron. Come crunch time, there's only one ball. These guys know that. That's why LeBron was pushing Bosh so hard to come to Cleveland. Bosh isn't a ball-in-the-hand player. He sets up down low and either takes the dish or gets the rebound. That's the kind of player a ball-in-the-hand player wants to the play with. The argument Whitlock posits about CP3 going to Cleveland is a little different, but Paul is a get-the-ball-in-your-hands player and ball-in-the-hand players like those guys a lot too.

So there you have it: LeBron to Cleveland...suck it Broussard. Although we hope we're dead wrong and LeBron chooses to become hated in Ohio and signs with our Knickerbockers. Either way, we actually will not be witnesses tonight, because we won't be watching the hour-long crotch-nuzzling fest. We'll simply catch the decision via Twitter. Either way, we will be glad when the Summer of LeBron ends, so we can start preparing for the Summer of 'Melo, who will be headed home to the Garden. Count on it.




Late add: TV Land apparently agrees with our prediction as they have renewed "Hot In Cleveland" for a second season. Which really has no significance other than giving us the chance to post a pic of Martin Tupper's ex from Dream On (an all-time fav), Wendie Malick. Enjoy.

Late, late add: OK...so we was wrong. Wait...uh...this just in...Chris Broussard still thinks this is a very fluid situation...

Where's the over/under on Lindsey Lohan's porn debut at now?

In case you missed it, Lindsey Lohan's career free fall continued its plunge yesterday when she was sentenced to 90-days in the county jail for, basically, being a spoiled little shit. Lohan's behavior at yesterday's hearing pretty much sums her up accurately.



From her "cute" little discretely painted "Fuck U" nail polish...





To her ridiculously childish body language as the judge imposed a very foreseeable sentence that we'd be willing to bet was more lenient than what Lohan's attorney had probably oversold Lohan to expect going in (see video below), Lohan pretty much has solidified in our mind the likelihood that a foray into the adult video world is imminent. If we had to guess, we'd say Vegas will put the over/under at 18 months. The only question now, is what the title of said titillation debut will be? We're torn between Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. Although there is huge market out there, we are sure, for a Parent Trap flick. On the bright side, Lohan can expect to lock up the AVN Awards for years to come.

You are a smelly pirate hooker and 99 other great movie insults

The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time. Hey...you're a cantaloupe.

Hattip Savitz