Thursday, July 8, 2010

Tonight at 9pm, we will all be Witnesses...

to the biggest contrived sports & media event in recent memory: ESPN's "The Decision." For those who don't follow sports or who have been in a deep carbon-freeze ala Han Solo, "The Decision" is a one-hour special tonight on ESPN where NBA free agent LeBron James will announce the team he has chosen to sign a new contract with.

(In related news, feel free to check the Twitter feed on this blog tonight at 9pm, where we will exclusively announce our decision regarding our first after-dinner cocktail after our board meeting in Greenwood. Right now, the odds are on a nice single-malt, but you can never count out an homage to Jeffery Lebowski aka a white Russian).

We awoke this morning to "reports" that "sources" were saying LeBron was leaning towards joining fellow Olympic team members DeWayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami. Yet there are those who insist LeBron can't turn his back on his "hometown" of Cleveland (even though his actual hometown is Akron). So since everyone is weighing in, what do we think?

First, we have been New York Knickerbocker fans since they signed one of our all-time favorite college players, Patrick Ewing. After the Knicks signed Amare Stoudemire and the Wade-Bosh train pulled into Miami, there has been a brief stirring of the once-dead NY coals, bringing a bit of the LeBron-to-NY fire back to life. Would that it were. The Knicks have without a doubt spent the last 3 years been betting on getting LeBron. Knick fans have been shamelessly throwing themselves at LeBron every single game he has played in NY, like Snooki throws her head at tanned, juiced-up guidos. If LeBron doesn't come to MSG, the Knicks and their fans are gonna feel just as slutty as Snooki does when she hooks up with her juiceheads in the club, only to get dissed on the walk back to the beach house when the guido sees a hotter chick. Come on...we (like Snooki) have feelings, you know.

So where do we think LeBron is gonna land? We admit, after the stinker game he had in crapping out of the playoffs (that Game 5 at home), we felt certain LeBron was gone. Then, came FA and it really looked like Chicago or Miami would get him. Chicago, because, without a doubt, they had the best complimentary, young talent to go along with LeBron. Miami, because we all heard about the 3 Olympic teammates pact to play together.

Come on, 'Pine...pick a destination. Ok, ok...we're no ESPN NBA Insider like Chris Broussard , who wins our title of most lame-ass "insider" for his refusal to simply pick a destination on Mike & Mike late last week when confronted by ESPN's Chad Ford. Broussard, when teased by Ford to just pick can change your mind, kept saying: it's a "very fluid situation" and the "smartest" answer was to say that "it's a very fluid situation." WTF? You work for ESPN. ESPN is not a journalistic enterprise. For crying out loud, your employer has created this sideshow by relentlessly hyping the "Summer of LeBron" for the past two years. You're biggest journalistic "scoop" of your career has been "confirming" that your bosses were agreeing to whore themselves to LeBron tonight for an hour. Wanting to act like you're a journalist while working at ESPN is like the gal over at the GNC store wanting to call herself a healthcare professional. It's fantasy land, yo.

Yeah...yeah...ok, we'll stop beating the mud outta Broussard and get to our prediction. We predict....drumroll...that LeBron James resigns with Cleveland. (And we do so with full knowledge that Broussard's "sources" have led him to "report" this morning that LeBron is going to Miami). So why do we pick Cleveland?

Simple...this has all the makings of a corny-ass PR stunt. Just the kind of crap we can see LeBron and his pals pulling. Further...we can totally see them straight-up using a "journalist" like Broussard today by leaking the Miami info to him, Broussard jumping on it like a rabid dog, then LeBron "shocking" everyone by returning to his "hometown" tonight, thus creating a big PR win for LeBron in the process. If tonight's event isn't to announce his resigning with Cleveland, we'll be shocked and it will be a very poorly played hand by LeBron and his boys. We could go into detail about how stupid it would be for him to so publicly drive the shiv into the heart of Cleveland, but Jason Whitlock has already done a pretty good job on it (and also offered up an interesting theory on some "assistance" LeBron is gonna get in Cleveland thanks to David Stern).

In addition to the "you're killing Cleveland fans unnecessarily" argument, here's another reason we don't see Miami happening: Wade. It's the similar reason we think LeBron ain't going to Chicago: Rose. Both Wade and Rose are ball-in-the-hand players. So is LeBron. Come crunch time, there's only one ball. These guys know that. That's why LeBron was pushing Bosh so hard to come to Cleveland. Bosh isn't a ball-in-the-hand player. He sets up down low and either takes the dish or gets the rebound. That's the kind of player a ball-in-the-hand player wants to the play with. The argument Whitlock posits about CP3 going to Cleveland is a little different, but Paul is a get-the-ball-in-your-hands player and ball-in-the-hand players like those guys a lot too.

So there you have it: LeBron to Cleveland...suck it Broussard. Although we hope we're dead wrong and LeBron chooses to become hated in Ohio and signs with our Knickerbockers. Either way, we actually will not be witnesses tonight, because we won't be watching the hour-long crotch-nuzzling fest. We'll simply catch the decision via Twitter. Either way, we will be glad when the Summer of LeBron ends, so we can start preparing for the Summer of 'Melo, who will be headed home to the Garden. Count on it.

Late add: TV Land apparently agrees with our prediction as they have renewed "Hot In Cleveland" for a second season. Which really has no significance other than giving us the chance to post a pic of Martin Tupper's ex from Dream On (an all-time fav), Wendie Malick. Enjoy.

Late, late add: we was wrong. Wait...uh...this just in...Chris Broussard still thinks this is a very fluid situation...

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