What would Sgt. Murtaugh think?

Meet Oksana Grigorieva, the mother of Mel Gibson's love child. Over the last two weeks or so, we've been treated to reminders of just how racist and crazy Mel is. In fact, we are beginning to think he is as crazy as his character from Lethal Weapon, Sgt. Martin Riggs.

In case you've missed it, Oksana apparently has been leaking recordings of Gibson going all "sugartits"-crazy. From telling her, “You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault,” to dropping the C-word all over the conversations, Mel apparently really is Mad Max. But it's not all bad...as WWTDD points out, at least Mel still has his comedic timing as evidenced by the following leaked line: “I am going to come and burn the f**king house down… but you will blow me first.”

This just in...we just received a voicemail that Roger Murtaugh left for his good friend Riggs: "You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!"

Happy Belated Birthday, Sexual Napalm...

We failed to realize the woman John Mayer compared to crack in bed (as in he'd sell all his stuff just to keep hitting "the pipe") turned 30 yesterday. Forgive us Jessica.

Wow...30...that's like almost 32.

Happy Birthday to Atticus, Scout and Boo

Harper Lee's literary classic "To Kill a Mockingbird" turns 50 today. The book read by most of us in middle school won the Pulitzer Prize, sold more than 30 million copies, been the basis for a movie that won 3 academy awards and beat the Bible as the most inspirational book of all time. It also has managed to be the 21st most challenged book according to the American Library Association for the years 2000-2009, which brings us to the question, what idiots in this day and age think children shouldn't be reading To Kill A Mockingbird?

Lee set the timeless classic in fictional Maycomb, Alabama, which was modeled after her hometown of Monroeville, Alabama. Monroeville has been hosting a 4-day, 50th anniversary celebration this weekend with marathon readings, tours and the opportunity for fans to sample Monroeville's signature drink: a Tequila Mockingbird.

Lee most likely will not be spotted. She has famously stayed out of the public eye since writing this American classic, which netted her the Pulitzer in 1971 and garnered Gregory Peck an Academy Award for Best Actor two years later. In fact, Lee has not given any interviews since 1964. On Thursday, we were on the road and caught a great Talk of the Nation on NPR where they interview Mary McDonagh Murphy who has written a book titled, "Scout, Atticus and Boo: A Celebration of Fifty Years of To Kill A Mockingbird."

During the interview, Murphy explained how pained Lee became after her childhood neighbor and friend, Truman Capote became extremely jealous over Lee's Pulitzer prize. Lee traveled with Capote, at his request, when he went to research the bloody Kansas murders that would become the basis of Capote's own classic: In Cold Blood. Perhaps it was the gossip and rumor over their strained relationship that led Lee into her subsequent life of public seclusion. Or perhaps, she is just a private lady who wishes to remain private. Regardless, Lee has bee quoted as saying, regarding her never writing another book, where else is there to go? Indeed...Harper Lee managed to do something very few can ever achieve: perfection. And she did it on her first novel. Hard to top that.

If you want to know how timeless this story is, simply consider the quote below, spoken by Atticus, and consider the current Tea Party rage this country is experiencing. A rage allegedly rising from concern over government spending, despite the fact that the previous administration was the most fiscally irresponsible administration in recent memory. Yet...this movement didn't come about until the United States elected its first black President. Coincidence?

Why reasonable people go stark raving mad when anything involving a Negro comes up, is something I don't pretend to understand.

Now...we could go on and on quoting our favorite passages from this novel. Obviously, we think the best material arises in the court room. While our favorite is probably the "Stand up, Ms. Jean-Louise, your father's passin'," we'll just end with Atticus' closing argument.

Last night's trainwreck: LeBron asks Cleveland to tell him how his a** tastes

So...LeBron James decided to bail on Ohio and join Wade and Bosh down on South Beach. We don't think anyone can say it is a surprise that someone decides it's better to live in Florida than Cleveland.

Yeah...we know we predicted LeBron would stay (while hoping he actually went to our beloved Knicks). We got that one wrong. Shocker. If you are familiar with our football prognosticating, you would know, we are a sure thing...to get exactly 50% of our predictions right.

We stand by our reasoning for why it made sense for LeBron to stay given the self-promoting circus his boyz created to announce the decision. And we stand by our ripping of ESPN NBA Insider Chris Broussard, who finally grew a set last night and was willing to make a prediction: that the Heat would win the Eastern Conference. Wow...ballsy, Broussard.

Last night...not long after LeBron pulled a PR equivalent to Shaq's notorious rap asking Kobe to sample his defecation, Cleveland Cavaliers majority owner shat all over LeBron. In an open letter to fans, Gilbert went nuclear on Ohio's homegrown basketball savior. Some choice excerpts:

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

And:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

YOWZA!

We think LeBron's overall image won't suffer too long for this. He did, after all, take less money to join a better team. Isn't that usually what we kill professional athletes for NOT doing? However...we don't think he will ever repair his image in Ohio. We still think it was an incredibly ill-conceived way to break this news if you were in fact "heart torn."

But a bit of advice to Cavalier fans wishing to burn their LeBron Jerseys: Have you guys seen the prices for throwbacks? Hold on to those suckers. They'll be worth some loot one day.

Tonight at 9pm, we will all be Witnesses...

to the biggest contrived sports & media event in recent memory: ESPN's "The Decision." For those who don't follow sports or who have been in a deep carbon-freeze ala Han Solo, "The Decision" is a one-hour special tonight on ESPN where NBA free agent LeBron James will announce the team he has chosen to sign a new contract with.

(In related news, feel free to check the Twitter feed on this blog tonight at 9pm, where we will exclusively announce our decision regarding our first after-dinner cocktail after our board meeting in Greenwood. Right now, the odds are on a nice single-malt, but you can never count out an homage to Jeffery Lebowski aka a white Russian).

We awoke this morning to "reports" that "sources" were saying LeBron was leaning towards joining fellow Olympic team members DeWayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami. Yet there are those who insist LeBron can't turn his back on his "hometown" of Cleveland (even though his actual hometown is Akron). So since everyone is weighing in, what do we think?



First, we have been New York Knickerbocker fans since they signed one of our all-time favorite college players, Patrick Ewing. After the Knicks signed Amare Stoudemire and the Wade-Bosh train pulled into Miami, there has been a brief stirring of the once-dead NY coals, bringing a bit of the LeBron-to-NY fire back to life. Would that it were. The Knicks have without a doubt spent the last 3 years been betting on getting LeBron. Knick fans have been shamelessly throwing themselves at LeBron every single game he has played in NY, like Snooki throws her head at tanned, juiced-up guidos. If LeBron doesn't come to MSG, the Knicks and their fans are gonna feel just as slutty as Snooki does when she hooks up with her juiceheads in the club, only to get dissed on the walk back to the beach house when the guido sees a hotter chick. Come on...we (like Snooki) have feelings, you know.

So where do we think LeBron is gonna land? We admit, after the stinker game he had in crapping out of the playoffs (that Game 5 at home), we felt certain LeBron was gone. Then, came FA and it really looked like Chicago or Miami would get him. Chicago, because, without a doubt, they had the best complimentary, young talent to go along with LeBron. Miami, because we all heard about the 3 Olympic teammates pact to play together.

Come on, 'Pine...pick a destination. Ok, ok...we're no ESPN NBA Insider like Chris Broussard , who wins our title of most lame-ass "insider" for his refusal to simply pick a destination on Mike & Mike late last week when confronted by ESPN's Chad Ford. Broussard, when teased by Ford to just pick one...you can change your mind, kept saying: it's a "very fluid situation" and the "smartest" answer was to say that "it's a very fluid situation." WTF? You work for ESPN. ESPN is not a journalistic enterprise. For crying out loud, your employer has created this sideshow by relentlessly hyping the "Summer of LeBron" for the past two years. You're biggest journalistic "scoop" of your career has been "confirming" that your bosses were agreeing to whore themselves to LeBron tonight for an hour. Wanting to act like you're a journalist while working at ESPN is like the gal over at the GNC store wanting to call herself a healthcare professional. It's fantasy land, yo.

Yeah...yeah...ok, we'll stop beating the mud outta Broussard and get to our prediction. We predict....drumroll...that LeBron James resigns with Cleveland. (And we do so with full knowledge that Broussard's "sources" have led him to "report" this morning that LeBron is going to Miami). So why do we pick Cleveland?

Simple...this has all the makings of a corny-ass PR stunt. Just the kind of crap we can see LeBron and his pals pulling. Further...we can totally see them straight-up using a "journalist" like Broussard today by leaking the Miami info to him, Broussard jumping on it like a rabid dog, then LeBron "shocking" everyone by returning to his "hometown" tonight, thus creating a big PR win for LeBron in the process. If tonight's event isn't to announce his resigning with Cleveland, we'll be shocked and it will be a very poorly played hand by LeBron and his boys. We could go into detail about how stupid it would be for him to so publicly drive the shiv into the heart of Cleveland, but Jason Whitlock has already done a pretty good job on it (and also offered up an interesting theory on some "assistance" LeBron is gonna get in Cleveland thanks to David Stern).

In addition to the "you're killing Cleveland fans unnecessarily" argument, here's another reason we don't see Miami happening: Wade. It's the similar reason we think LeBron ain't going to Chicago: Rose. Both Wade and Rose are ball-in-the-hand players. So is LeBron. Come crunch time, there's only one ball. These guys know that. That's why LeBron was pushing Bosh so hard to come to Cleveland. Bosh isn't a ball-in-the-hand player. He sets up down low and either takes the dish or gets the rebound. That's the kind of player a ball-in-the-hand player wants to the play with. The argument Whitlock posits about CP3 going to Cleveland is a little different, but Paul is a get-the-ball-in-your-hands player and ball-in-the-hand players like those guys a lot too.

So there you have it: LeBron to Cleveland...suck it Broussard. Although we hope we're dead wrong and LeBron chooses to become hated in Ohio and signs with our Knickerbockers. Either way, we actually will not be witnesses tonight, because we won't be watching the hour-long crotch-nuzzling fest. We'll simply catch the decision via Twitter. Either way, we will be glad when the Summer of LeBron ends, so we can start preparing for the Summer of 'Melo, who will be headed home to the Garden. Count on it.




Late add: TV Land apparently agrees with our prediction as they have renewed "Hot In Cleveland" for a second season. Which really has no significance other than giving us the chance to post a pic of Martin Tupper's ex from Dream On (an all-time fav), Wendie Malick. Enjoy.

Late, late add: OK...so we was wrong. Wait...uh...this just in...Chris Broussard still thinks this is a very fluid situation...

Where's the over/under on Lindsey Lohan's porn debut at now?

In case you missed it, Lindsey Lohan's career free fall continued its plunge yesterday when she was sentenced to 90-days in the county jail for, basically, being a spoiled little shit. Lohan's behavior at yesterday's hearing pretty much sums her up accurately.



From her "cute" little discretely painted "Fuck U" nail polish...





To her ridiculously childish body language as the judge imposed a very foreseeable sentence that we'd be willing to bet was more lenient than what Lohan's attorney had probably oversold Lohan to expect going in (see video below), Lohan pretty much has solidified in our mind the likelihood that a foray into the adult video world is imminent. If we had to guess, we'd say Vegas will put the over/under at 18 months. The only question now, is what the title of said titillation debut will be? We're torn between Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. Although there is huge market out there, we are sure, for a Parent Trap flick. On the bright side, Lohan can expect to lock up the AVN Awards for years to come.

You are a smelly pirate hooker and 99 other great movie insults

The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time. Hey...you're a cantaloupe.

Hattip Savitz