Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Here's an apple, Mrs. Noonan...

Sometime I wish I were famous. That way, I could get cush gigs on tv bloviating nonsense, probably get into really cool night clubs and last but not least...score a nice salary "teaching" a class that had nothing to do with nothing.

Enter Peggy Noonan, who is teaching a "study group" at Harvard University this fall: Creativity in journalism, in politics and in life. Now, I make grammatical mistakes all the time. But seriously, read the syllabus for this damn class and tell me it is not the worst stream-of-consciousness written crap you have ever seen.

The entire class simply seems to be come and let me tell you about Ronald Reagan and all the other famous people I've known. Listen...Noonan's credibility has been shot ever since she and Chuck Todd got caught on that live mike slamming McCain's pick of Palin as desperate and ridiculous. Then they didn't man up and stick say, "You know whay...it was. She's an idiot, he's a moron and it's gonna cost them the election." But hey...I'm sure it's an easy A.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Derek Hoke says goodbye to rock 'n roll.

If you grew up in Florence, you probably saw Derek Hoke play at Apple Annies a few times. I'm pretty sure one of my college roomies used to drive from Columbia every now and then to play drums with Derek's band back in the day. The former Florentine has a new album about to drosp. Check out the video, then buy it when it comes out.

Hattip to Robbie on the video.

The 101 and the Champagne Dancers are on the way to Billy Brice!

We've been on the road so much recently, that we're probably gonna take this Saturday off from traveling down to Billy Brice and watching the Gamecocks play. But we are awfully tempted to make the drive just for halftime. Why? Because the 101 will be performing along with the Champagne Dancers.

Week 3 picks: Bare Bones edition

We were in Hendersonville, NC for a wedding yesterday. Between that and the Thursday night USC - Ole Miss game, we've had a bit of a shortage on time and sleep this week. As such, we're gonna have to roll with a bare bones version of this week's picks. We're sorry you're being deprived of our normal, witty reparte. I mean...given our record, that is obviously all we are bringing to the table. But it is what it is. Enjoy.

RAVENS (-13.5) v. Browns = Did you see where one of Cleveland's rookies could not handle a little ice hazing and threw licks? Is it possible Mangini has lost this team already? The answer is obviously that he never even had them.

BTPC pick = Ravens cover.

RAMS (+7) v. Packers = The Pack is probably upset and looking for something to prove after losing to the Bengals. They should not be. The Bengals are better. But they are gonna take it out on the Rams.

BTPC pick = Pack covers.

Giants (-7) v. BUCS = It may be time for "Pitino...party of two" to start the other Steve Smith. The sound you are hearing is Eli Manning licking his chops. The BUCS made Tony Romo look like Dan Fouts.

BTPC pick = Gmen cover.

EAGLES (-8.5) v. Kansas City = Todd Haley turned in one of the worst coaching jobs in history. Now he has to travel to Philly with a team that may be questioning its coach. Not good. The crowd will be pumped with word that Dog(face) Killa is gonna play. What's to over under on shots of Donovan McNabb on the sideline laughing-and-acting-like-he's-happy-for-Vick-when-in-reality-he's-seething-on-the-inside? I say 14.

BTPC pick = PHI covers.

Saints (-6) v. BILLS = UPSET SPECIAL! The Saints and Drew Brees are not human. I forsee "Duke" showing up at Ralph Wilson stadium today: "You see? You see? He's not a machine, he's a man, he's a man." The Saints and Brees leave talking about how Fred Jackson is like a piece of iron.

Duke can hold Sly like this. You know why? Because he's a man.

BTPC pick = BILLS surprise everyone, especially their wet-blanket women who told them "You can't win!" (I'm talking at you, Kita and Monique.)

Falcons (+4) v. PATS = Tom Brady is married to a supermodel. Tom Brady is mad. For years, we have known the mantra: Don't bet against a Belichek team after a loss. Despite all the problems the Pats have (and they've got a lot right now: shitty O-line, banged up and leaderless D, no Welker) I refuse to bet against Tom Brady and Billy B when they're pissed. But a warning: if Brady looks bad again today, do we start to ask of Brady if it's the marriage and all that honeymoon/supermodel sexin' that's the problem and not the knee? Interesting...

BTPC pick = PATS...I suppose to cover although I think this line is ridiculously high on the Pats and shows that Vegas is trapped in 2007 Pats thinking.

Titans (+2.5) v. JETS = J-E-T-S. JETS! JETS! JETS! I believe. (And no...this is in no way some type of attempt at reverse jinxing Big Green. I would never, ever, ever do that. Never.)

BTPC pick = JETS cover.

Niners (+7) v. VIKINGS = Mr. Favre...meet Mr. Willis and Mr. Clements.

BTPC pick = Niners cover.

TEXANS (-3.5) v. Jags = Is Matt Schaub for real? Was that NY Jets D that good week 1 or were the Titans that ridiculously bad?

BTPC pick = Texans win, but Jags keep it within the spread.

Bears (-2) v. HAWKS = If Jay Cutler can't beat the Hasselbeckless Hawks by 3, then they gave up way too much for him.

BTPC pick = Bears cover.

BENGALS (+4) v. Steelers = I'm riding the Bungles-train, Reino. Come on and get on board!

BTPC pick = Bengals cover.

Broncos (-1.5) v. RAIDERS = Really good quarterbacks in the National Football League do not wear mohawks. Just sayin'...

Even Malcolm in the Middle would tell JaMarcus there are some folks who can't pull off mohawks.

BTPC pick = Broncos cover.

Miami (+6) v. SD = Short week east coast team travels to west coast team. The Phins did everything right last week, except win. Sparano better get his guys up for this. We'll get a good look at whether or not Sparano has this team. Despite the fact that I don't know if he does...I don't want the points, I don't need the points, but I'll take the points.

BTPC pick = Phins outright.

Colts (+1.5) v. CARDS = I like Manning at night way better than Warner at night.

BTPC pick = Colts cover.

Car (+9) v. COWBOYS = UPSET SPECIAL! (That's right...two this week. I got to change it up.)Even when it's not a playoff game, just a game with a lot of pub, Romo chokes. Anyone else starting to think he made Jessica gain that weight and let herself go a little, because he could not quite...uh-hem..."perform" when she was looking all hot? The football gods are still pissed at Jerruh for effin' with the game with that big tv. They're even more pissed about him charging football loving fans money for a "party pass" where the fan can't even see the damn field. The football gods keep Jerruh winless in his Taj Mahal. I don't want the points. I don't need the points. I'll take the points.

Like a big game...Romo could not handle this.

BTPC pick = Panthers

Season-to-date: 15-14-2

Upset record: 0-2

Friday, September 25, 2009

UPSET! Ole Miss 10 - South Carolina 16

What a night at Billy Brice! The "official" crowd was something like 74k-something, but it was probably more like 60k. However, the fans that were there raised absolute hell. Best homegame in quite a while.

BTW, is there a curse of George Rogers or something? How many Heisman campaigns come to Billy Brice to die? Quincy Carter, Andrew Woodson and now Mr. Snead. It's like the grass at Billy Brice sucks the life out of these potentials (as well as out of legendary college head coaches too, unfortunately).

Anyway...we'll enjoy this one for the weekend. Way to go, 'Cocks!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Kanye ain't even original

Kanye West made news this past week at the VMAs for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the VMAs to kiss Beyonce's very ample booty.

The sad thing is, Kanye ain't even being original. He's cribbin' ODB.

Recognize, Kanye.

On our way to watch the Gamecocks play...

We're headed to Columbia later today to say happy 75th to Billy-Brice Stadium and to let our freak flag fly while we watch the Gamecocks kick a little Florida Atlantic ass. Enjoy your weekend and GO 'COCKS!

Friday, September 18, 2009

SNL hits a homerun

While the Joe Wilson skit garnered all the attention, it was Bill Hader who stole the show. Hader's Weekend Update skit as James Carville commenting on the Teabaggers and Wilson was laugh-out loud funny.
"You ain't tall midget. You just clever" is instantly one of my favorite SNL lines.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Week 2 picks: live from the Double Deuce

One of the BTPC's favorite actor's passed away this past Monday, the great Patrick Swayze. In honor of the Swayz, this week's picks are based off of lines from his movies: Road House. It's a good choice, because the first week of the NFL season is always like the pre-Dalton Double Deuce. It's rowdy and dangerous. Some teams are dancing on tables, some are throwing crap at the band and others are just chillin' listening to the soulsy-blues of the Jeff Healy Band. As the season goes on, the ruffians will be kicked out and a higher clientele will emerge. I'm not talking Brad Wesley's bleached-blonde bimbo, Denise, folks. I'm talking David Lynch's MD having daughter, cleverly named: Doc. We're gonna clean these picks up.

Speaking of the afore-mentioned Denise, we're feeling a little like her this week. We got a little out of line with our picks last week, what with picking the Bungles (now you tell me, Reino) and with taking the Panthers as our upset special (I honestly did not know they were going to let Delhomme throw the ball. I had been told he was on a strict, hand-off-only restriction). As a result, we've got a little bit of a black eye, courtesy of the football gods (and Brad Wesley's backhand). The scorecard after 1, a mediocre 8-7, staving off the dreaded .500 due to completely overlooking the SF and 'ZONA game. Now, some would say, you know you would have taken 'Zona to cover, so mark it up as a loss. Not so fast, my friend...we think that was devine intervention. The football gods wanted us to have a winning record, as miniscule as it may be. And who are we to mess with the football gods when they throw us a bone.

So, it's a new morning and we're up in our unitard, doing some aerobics getting ready to go right back at the table dancing. We're embarassed when Dalton sees the black eye. But we deserved it. We were supposed to seduce him. We failed. We're gonna do better this time.

Texans (+6.5) v TITANS = Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong. - Emmett.

This gem from Uncle Jesse's long lost brother pretty much sums up those tags of "sleeper" thrown at the Texans the last two years: they don't belong. Seriously...a 24-7 loss to a rookie QB at home? Remember when no one could understand why Gary Kubiak had not yet gotten a head coaching job in the NFL? I think we may be starting to see why. And by the way, Matt Schaub...you think you could throw a few more passes the best player on your team, Mr. Andre Johnson? I and "Pitino...party of two" would greatly appreciate it.

As bad as the Texans looked, I don't think Tenessee will beat them by 6.5. I think they will dominate the game, but once they get up, they'll just grind down the clock.

BTPC pick = Texans lose, but gamblers win.

JAGS (-3.5) v. Cards = I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead. - Wade Garrett

I think Kurt Warner may be starting to show his age. He looked old and sloppy last Sunday. The Sportsguy pointed out Warner was dying his hair now. Not a good sign. Maybe God told him to do it. Then again, I think God is apparently still pissed about Kurt and his wife lying to the girls about the puppy last season.

As the Sportsguy points out, Arizona, in addition to coming off a bad loss, is a west coast team kicking off an away game at 1:00 pm eastern standard time. That's never good. Especially for a senior citizen like Warner.

BTPC pick = Jags cover.

Saints (PK) v. EAGLES = Pain don't hurt - Dalton

With Michael Vick waiting in the wings, does anyone doubt McNabb's rib will be the fastest healing rib in the history of modern medicine? Seriously...after that display last week by the Saints, how does Vegas not throw them some points? I understand we don't know diddly about Kolb or whether he will in fact be the QB. But we know who is starting under center for the Saints. And Brees...that guy is good. Sidenote: Drew Brees has officially taken over the coolest pregame firing up speech in sports. That thing where he counts down and the team is all around him shouting gave me goose bumps. Way, way cooler that Sugar Ray's lame-ass "Where my dogs at?" speech. Brees' teammates seem to be really getting into it and believing in him.

BTPC pick = Saints easily.

Raiders (+3) v. CHIEFS = The Double Douche! - Wade Garrett

Despite Oakland's valiant effort, does anyone really care about these two teams? Further, does anyone really know who will be throwing the ball for Kansas City? Or who will be catching? Didn't think so.

BTPC pick = Raiders cover.

JETS (+4) v. Pats = I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice. - Dalton

Watching that game against the Bills Monday night, didn't it just feel like Brady was Dalton? He just had the whole Double Deuce staff waiting and waiting and waiting, until it was time to not be nice. It was vintage Brady and made me feel awfully good about using the #8 pick in our draft on him (although I'll admit, I'm second guessing not picking Brees instead).

I refuse to get on the Jets bandwagon, simply out of spite. While part of me thinks this game will be close, another part of me sees Billy B as wanting to send a message after such a close game to the Bills. The message, "We're still the big swinging dick in the room and don't you forget it." Mark Sanchez may have looked good last week, but in a matchup between a rookie QB and Billy B, I'll go with man wearing the cut up sweatshirt. Mark Sanchez his hassled and hit so much, his new nickname is "Dirty Sanchez."

BTPC pick = Pats cover.

LIONS (+9.5) v. Vikings = JC Penny is coming here because of me! - Brad Wesley

I have come to realize, Brett Favre is as evil and self-centered as Brad Wesley. I almost vomited in my mouth thinking of all the "love of the game" comments I knew were coming when he ran down and dogpiled on Percy Harvin. I swear...I think Favre intentionally did it to play to an image he has tarnished. I can only hope he tears his rotator cuff doing it again.

The Lions could not run on the Saints. They damn sure are not going to do so against Minnesota. But they also proved the could score some points. I don't see the Vikes beating them by 9.5.

BTPC pick = Lions lose, gamblers win.

Bengals (+9) v. PACKERS = All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. - Dalton

Jesus...the Bungles cannot catch a break. For their sake, I have given them the Dalton Rules. Perhaps they can utilize these rules to get over the hump. I'm betting they do. In fact, just to thumb my nose at Reino, I'm doubling down on the Bungles. I think they jump back from a heartbreaking loss and catch a Packers team riding a little too high from their win. But they'll just cover...I'm not that crazy

BTPC pick = Bengals lose, but gamblers win.

Rams (+10) v. 'SKINS = It'll get worse before it gets better. - Dalton

This quote is obviously meant for Steve Spagnola's benefit. Sorry, Steve but you suck.

BTPC pick = 'Skins cover.

FALCONS (-6) v. Panthers = Morgan: "What am I supposed to do now?" Dalton: "There's always barber college."

For Jake Delhomme. Best line of the weekend? ProFootballTalk.com's: "Delhomme is french for turnover." Seriously...I think Delhomme's confidence is shattered.

The Sportsguy has an interesting take on why he's picking the Panthers as his upset of the week. Basically, Jake has so lost the trust of the fans, that he can play loose and that the backlash against him has rallied his teammates to the "no one believes in us" stage, unique for a team coming off a 12-4 season. I can see his point and could see the Panthers win outright. But two things lead me to doubt it will happen. 1) the Panthers GM is so worried, he took to the airwaves yesterday on the Packman show to address the situation. That's like a kiss of death. 2) Ryan uncharacteristicly missed two wide open guys for what would have been TDs and the Panthers can't stop the run like Miami. I think Atlanta wins, but I think the Panthers keep it close.

BTPC pick = Panthers lose, but gamblers win.

Bucs (+5) v. BILLS = I got married to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you. She left me, though. Found somebody even uglier than she was. That's life. Who can explain it? - Red Webster

Anyone catch the video of TO sitting on the bench all by his lonesome as Brady drove the Pats down the field late in the 4th Monday night? They can't complain. They got the warning (just like Red gave Dalton). He takes the energy right out of you.

Good thing they are playing the dreadful Bucs.

BTPC pick = Bills cover.

NINERS (-1.5) v. 'Hawks = It ain't the money ya understand, but if I don't charge ya somethin' the Presbyterians around here are likely to pray for my ruination. How does a hundred dollars a month strike ya? - Emmett

It ain't the money for Michael Crabtree. It's the principle. Something tells me, Crabtree's principles are gonna start lowering once he realizes the money is dropping. Some reports have him going even further back if he were to re-enter the draft next year. Something has got to give soon. And it will most likely be the young 20-something without revenue rather than the surprisingly-tough-to-beat-potentially-reborn-dynasty, whose revenue is increasing with each win.

The 'Hawks offense came to life. Carlson will give the 49ers problems. I don't want the points, I don't need the points, but I'll take the points.

BTPC pick = Seahawks win.

Ravens (+3.5) v. CHARGERS = "That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that." - Wade Garrett

It's really not fair for Baltimore's D and rushing game to get a potentially franchise QB, which Flacco is starting to look at. It's not fair. But speaking of Kelly Lynch...I listened to Adam Corolla's podcast with the Mr. Skin founder. He was talking about how Blu-Ray has freaked his staff out, because they have to go back and redo all their files because the higher resolution is causing them to discover more and more nudity. One example was that on the Blu-ray release of Road House, when Lynch gets up from the bed nude and you see her backside, you can pause the dvd and catch a glimpse of her...ahem..."stuff" from the backside. Blu-ray...finding nudity where none existed.

Hmmm....hard-hitting Ravens coming to town and LDT is already "injured." Coincidence? I think not.

BTPC pick = Ravens cover.

BRONCOS (-3.5) v. Browns = Oh, yo. Whatever he's saying, you can be fairly sure it's a lie. -Dalton

Dalton could have been refering to both Mangini and McDaniels. They are, afterall, Billy B disciples, no? Warning: this pick is based on nothing whatsoever other than the Bronco's are at home and I hate Mangini and Quinn.

BTPC pick = Broncos win and cover.

BEARS (+3) v. Steelers = Do you always carry your medical record around with you? - Doc.
Brian Urlacher, who was injured most of last season, could just as easily answer the same way as Dalton ("Saves time") now that we know he is out for the season. Somewhere, Jake Cutler is probably calling him a pussy.

Bears at home, Steelers with no Troy P.

BTPC pick = Bears cover.

Giants (+3) v. COWBOYS = This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, "Don't eat the big white mint." -Wade Garrett

Or better yet...don't hit the big effin scoreboard. If there truly is a God, he will ruin Jerry Jones' christening of his gaudy stadium. And Jeff Feagles will hit the scoreboard twice.

BTPC pick = Giants cover.

Colts (-3) v. PHINS = Elvis! Play something with balls!- Brad Wesley


To Tony Sparano and Dan Henning. Call some shots downfield, dammit. Teams are absolutely loading the box against the Phins. You have got to stretch the field! Here's where we see if Sparano was a flash in the pan or if he can rally his troops. Pennington will help out. So will Fasano who will bounce back from two fumbles. We will see some successful wildcat against an AFC foe. Rookie CB Sean Smith will make the first of many interceptions against Peyton Manning, who will become once again acquainted with Jason Taylor. And Jake Long, embarassed by last week will, stymie Dwight Freeny.

I don't want the points. I don't need the points, but I'll take the points.

BTPC Pick = PHINS pull off the upset. Wildcat detractors shut up.

Season to date = 8-7
Upset of the week = 0-1

Monday, September 14, 2009

God must have needed a cooler

How else do you explain today's death of the man who cleaned up the Double Deuce and rid the town of Jasper, Missouri of evil crime lord, Brad Wesley, a man whose sole redeeming quality was that he brought JC Penny to town.

Then again, perhaps heaven has been overrun by Soviet-backed, Cuban troops and God needed former high school QB Jed to roll in, pick up his brother and his friends and kick some commie ass.

It is always possible some fool in heaven is attempting to put Baby in the corner, therefore God needed Johnny Castle because nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Whatever the reason, Swayze has been battling pancreatic cancer for some time now and was rumored to be not doing well at all. He recently returned home to Los Angeles from his New Mexico ranch due to his condition worsening. Reports say he died with his family by his side.

In that case...I'm glad to see life, like Johnny Utah, cut Bodhi loose to enjoy the 100-years storm. Good luck, Bodhi. Here's hoping you can paddle all the way to New Zealand.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Week 1 NFL picks: Gots to get it on...*

Having arose too early for Sunday Morning (I blame "swine flu," or as it's also called: hangover after another heartbreaking Gamecock loss to Georgia), I suppose I should go ahead and further demolish my confidence by attempting to predict today's NFL results.

All picks are 100% money back guaranteed, because if you're stupid enough to pay me for my picks, then you're obviously insane enough to believe that.

The season has not gotten off to a great start, as I picked the Steelers at +6 to cover and they only won by 3. That's ok...my secret weapon was not aware that the season was starting Thursday. But as you can see from this pic...my Kuato is awake and ready to prognosticate.

So let's get it on...

Broncos (+4) v. BENGALS = In case you did not watch, this season's Hard Knocks in Bengals camp was great. Ochocinco introduced the world to two new catchphrases that you will be absolutely sick of by Week Three.

The entire world laughed as they watched the Bengal coaching staff look like a college freshman Philosophy 101 class, while "Professor" Mike Brown led the discussion on the teams personnel strategy (reason #1 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

We watched the most dickhead Turk ever bang on the door of young player at 5 am in the morning, wake the poor guy up to cut his ass, while trying to walk into the room with a camera crew. Did I mention this guy had just been woken up and was obviously still a little out of it and just in his drawers? And that he had a skin condition, so is probably already a tad touchy about his appearance? (Reason #2 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

We watched and shook our heads as Andre Smith finally signed, getting congratulated by his agent for becoming a millionaire and not for officially becoming a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE Player, then the football gods paying him back by immediately breaking a bone in his foot. (Reason #3 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

We watched as Head Coach Marvin Lewis tried to drive to work and was literally barred from entering the stadium by malfunction: a broken gate, which had apparently been broken for quite some time as Marvin knew just how to "break in." (Reason #4 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

So...I suppose you're expecting me to take the Broncos here? Child please. When the final gun goes off, the Broncos will have kissed the baby.

BTPC Pick: Bengals cover.

Jets (+4.5) v. TEXANS = I'm not buying all this J-E-T-S love. How well did the last pretty boy rookie QB who posed in GQ (Matt Leinhart) work out? And since it's only week 1, I am assuming Matt Schaub is healthy.

Plus...Andre Johnson was the #2 pick of my fantasy team, "Pitino...party of two," which means he is gonna tear it up (please???).

BTPC pick: Texans win and beat the spread.

Vikings (-4) v. BROWNS = In case you missed it, some guy named Favre is back. Let me be up front. I hate Wrangler jeans. I hate Prilosec. I hate Brett Favre. And the only guy Brett Favre makes look like a bigger fool than Bus Cook, is Brad Childress, who has never met a replay he could and would not botch. But...there's two reasons why I have to go with the Vikes to cover. First, when the opposing coach seems to be putting a premium on trying to fake you out over which one of his shitty QBs you will be facing...that's not a good sign. Second, it's HIM's first game back.

The original HIM, before Mr. Favre.

It is preordained that we are gonna have to hear swooning all over HIM, as HIM runs around in the backfield, escapes some tackles, throws up a completely bullshit pass and somehow pulls a big play out of his ass. Then we will have to hear the announcers gush about how HIM didn't come back for money. HIM didn't come back for revenge. HIM came back for the pure LOVE OF THE GAME.

Then we will have to watch as the studio analysts spew all over HIM during the highlight shows. Then we will be given vomit-in-the-mouth experience of watching Peter King attempt to win back his lover man in his MMQB article:

"Waffling is not a negative term. I love waffles. They're delicious. Listen to
this voicemail I've still got on my phone from where HIM called me from his
favorite Waffle House in Mississippi while he was eating waffles.

HIM: Peter...I promise...it's not you it's me. I just can't keep it up. That's why I
am absolutely, positively not coming back.

Me: I hear chewing...what are
you eating?

HIM: Waffles.

Me: What kind?

HIM: Pecan.

Me: That is so cool.

Great coffee at the Meridian, Mississippi Waffle House #5. I also want to meet this guy Bert. Have you tried his chili? It's out of this world. Did you know you could get the chili on your hasbrowns? True story: just order them 'topped.' Management of the Westin...are you reading this?"

Eventually this season, HIM is gonna kill the Vikes and cause chaos. But not this early.

BTPC pick = Vikes cover.

Lions (+13) v. SAINTS = I like the Saints. I think they will win. But they've got some injuries and I don't see them covering.

BTPC pick = Lions lose, but gamblers win.

Jaguars (+7) v. Colts = Looks like Bob Sanders may not play. Ernest Wilfork is back in Jacksonville. Tony Dungy is gone from Indy.

BTPC pick = Colts win, but do not cover.

RAVENS (-13) v. Chiefs = Matthew Berry is "wacco for Flacco." Coach Haley cannot find anyone who wants to catch the ball and looks like finding someone to throw it may be tough too (if Cassel does not play). He also just fired his offensive coordinator. Not a good sign. Either way, Tyler Thigpen or Matt Cassel, I don't think it matters to Lewis, Ngata, Reed and Company. But look at the postives, KC fans: At least your coach did not welcome his players to camp with a personally, magic-marker-hand-drawn "Welcome" sign. Things are looking up.

BTPC pick = Ravens cover.

Cowboys (-6) v. BUCS = The Bucs just fired their OC, because he was not "sophisticated" enough. Too bad this game is not in Dallas, that way the Bucs could just keep booming punts into the scoreboard until the 'Boys fell down. Since it is not, I like the 'Boys.

BTPC pick = Cowboys cover.

PATS (-10.5) v. Bills = Tom Brady is back. I expect big things from Brady since I took him as my first pick. And I'm not just talking about the baby him and his supermodel wife are expecting. The Bills are another team that just fired their OC. Things are so bad, that Ralph Wilson called the coaching staff to his home for a little pep talk. Did I mention that TO has already started complaining about the no-huddle? But here's the thing...I am not sold on the Pats being that great. That offensive line let Brady get lit up a few times during the preseason. And the defense has taken a hit with the loss of Bruschi and Seymor. I think they win, but 10.5 is too large with the weapons the Bills have.

BTPC pick = Bills lose, but gamblers win.

Bonus Prediction: Over-the-calf, striped athletic socks make a big comeback, thanks to Mrs. B√ľndchen-Brady.

Eagles (-2) v. PANTHERS = UPSET OF THE WEEK. I do not understand this line. I don't want the points. I don't need the points. But I'll take the points. Panthers are kind of like a dog. Dogs want revenge on Michael Vick. The Panthers are gonna run all over the Eagles. There is gonna be at least 2 awkward moments as the Eagles stall on drives where Vick comes in for McNabb. And someday some enterprising "green" engineer is gonna figure out a way to hook up an electrical generator to John Fox's jaw and offer clean, renewable energy to the uptown-area of Charlotte.

(Late add: these would apparently be very awkward moments as I forgot that Vick was suspended for two games. Opps. Later add: In defense of this pick, I fully thought the Panthers would not allow Jake Delhomme to throw the ball at all and would simply run nothing but rushing plays. I was obviously mistaken)

BTPC pick = Panthers.

Redskins (+6.5) v. GIANTS = Ehh....Giants win, but not by 6.5

BTPC pick = 'Skins lose but cover.

SEAHAWKS (-8.5) v. Rams = This is not your daddy's Rams. No Tory Holt. No Orlando Pace. But also no Scott Linehan. The 'Hawks were devastated by injuries last year and I think they are gonna make a big comeback this season. Not only do they play in a crap division, but I have seen no one point out that mountain climbing trip Mora and Goodell took together this summer.

If you don't think Jim and Roger took out the "mountain climbing license" and sketched out the designs on an intricate money making scam that would benefit both and insure a championship coming to Seattle, ala Nicholson and Assante in "Hoffa," then you're crazy.

BTPC pick = 'Hawks cover.

PACKERS (-3.5) v. Bears = The 'Pack is back, baby. And by "baby," I'm referring to you, Jake Cutler.

BTPC pick = Pack covers.

Dolphins (+4) v. FALCONS = UPSET. I don't want the points. I don't need the points. But I'll take the points. This Dolphin team is built from the lines out. And it's gonna show over the course of the season. Matt Ryan...meet Jason Taylor and Joey Porter. BTW, a TE is gonna have a big game today and it ain't gonna be Tony G. It's gonna be the kid the Big Tuna compares to Mark Bravaro, Mr. Anthony Fasano. Go big Italian Tight Ends!

BTPC pick = Miami.

CHARGERS (-9) v. Raiders = Uh...this one could get ugly. In case you missed it, Merriman was accused this past week of assaulting his girlfriend, Tila Tequila. Tequila said Merriman hit and choked her. Merriman says Tequila was drunk as hell and trying to drive, so he restrained her. Paramedics did not find any injuries on her and the San Diego DA has decided not to press any charges. Tequila and her attorney have announced that she will pursue a civil case, because the DA's decision to drop the case was a "reckless decision." I wonder if Tila intends to call herself as an expert in the field of reckless decisions.

Rumor has it, there was a bit of a party going on and Tequila got upset when she saw Merriman enter his bedroom with two other ladies. Tequila stormed in to demand what was happening and for some unknown reason, she flipped out when Merriman proposed that she join them. Tequila then stormed out of the bedroom saying she intended to screw one of Merriman's pals and began undressing.

I say unknown, because as you can see, it's not like Tila is adverse to switch hitting. Regardless, I think I speak for most NFL fans when I say, "I want to party with Shawn Merriman. Anway...the point of the Merriman story is that it marks a record of sorts. The 2009 NFL season has officially broken the record for number of players making news for giving up Tequila (Merriman and Lendale White). I'm sure Roger Goodell is proud.

To the game, this Chargers team has a bunch of guys with something to prove. Merriman needs to prove his stats to this point are not a product of his juicing. LDT needs to prove he is not washed up, nor is he a selfish, team-killer who pouts when he is not the star. Antonio Gates needs to prove he is all the way back from injury and is still the premier TE in football. Ron Rivera needs to prove he deserves some more interviews for the top slot in some organization. And Norv Turner needs to prove, that despite that turkey neck of his, he is not all about choking.

BTPC pick = Chargers cover.

BTPC Season Record = 0-1-0

*Title shamelessly stolen from Adam Corolla. Idea from Bill Simmons.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Nothing sucks worse than the State of Tennessee...

Except for maybe Georgia...

So the 'Cocks travel down to Athens to play a little football between the hedges. Georgia - South Carolina is usually a good game. Unfortunately, more often than not, SC has come up on the short end of the stick. But every now and then, we pull it out, which can explain why Quincy Carter can still be found occasionally wandering around the state fairgrounds looking for his Heisman dreams.

Of course, the talk since last Thursday has been about how terrible the Gamecock offense looked. But in honesty...if we hit those two field goals and we would have had Rod Gardner as our WR (thus no offensive pass interference call on that TD) the NC State game winds up being 20-3 and Garcia's stats look pretty damn good. I know...if my Aunt had balls...but the point is that the offense may not be as bad as it seems. Although ain't no one going to argue that it's where it needs to be.

But Georgia ain't exactly nothing great either. I'm anxious to see Cox go up against this defense. We've got recovery speed in the secondary unlike any I can remember.

My pick: 'Cocks by 6.

To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Is this the soul W saw in Putin’s eyes?

We all heard the remarkably stupid story George W. Bush relayed about how he looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and "get a sense of his soul." After reading GQ's latest story, Putin: The Dark Rise to Power, you've got to wonder whether W said the flattering things he did because he believed them or because he was scared shitless.

In case you haven't heard, GQ has been slammed for not running this story in the Russian GQ. I agree that it's pretty spineless not to run it, but maybe they're a little worried about self-preservation.

As the piece documents, Putin's rise to power was directly tied to the bombings of 4 apartment buildings over a 12-day span 10 years ago that left over 300 people dead.

Blaming the bombings on terrorists from Chechnya, Russia's newly appointed prime
minister, Vladimir Putin, ordered a scorched-earth offensive into the breakaway
republic. On the success of that offensive, the previously unknown Putin became
a national hero and swiftly assumed complete control of the Russian state. It is
a control he continues to exert today.

The whispered truth in Russia? It was not Chechens...it was Putin. Or more accurately, the secret police who orchestrated the bombings in order to put one of their own in total control of the country. So why haven't the majority of Americans heard more about this?

Immediately after the bombings, a broad spectrum of Russian society publicly
cast doubt on the government's version of events. Those voices have now gone
silent one by one. In recent years, a number of journalists who investigated the
incidents have been murdered - or have died under suspicious circumstances - as
have two members of Parliament who sat on a commission of inquiry. In the
meantime, it seems that most everyone whose account of the attacks ran counter
to the government's version now either refuses to speak, has recanted his
earlier statements, or is dead.

Kind of puts GQ's decision in a little different light, no?

Read the GQ article. It shows just what kind of fella Putin is. And that brings me back to just how big an idiot our former President was. In her book, "When Character was King," Peggy Noonan documents how the whole looking into his eyes and sensing his soul manlove happened as Putin told Bush his "miracle cross" story.

U.S. President George W. Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin bonded
and looked into each other's souls -- over talk of a Christan cross that Putin
had blessed in the Holy Land.

"[Putin] basically seemed he was saying there was a higher power," Bush tells Nooonan of his meeting with the Russian leader last summer.

Bush tells Noonan that he said to Putin: "I think you judge a person on something other than politics. I think it's important for me and you to look for the depth of a
person's soul and character... I was touched by the fact your mother gave you a

Putin explained to Bush that he has taken to wearing the cross, which he
had blessed in Jerusalem. Putin said that one day he feared the cross was lost
in a house which burned down.

Bush tells Noonan in an Oval Office interview: "Putin said to me, 'The thing I was most worried about was I lost my cross that my mother had given me. And a worker came.' He wanted to tell the worker, 'Go find the cross -- I lost my cross.' The worker came over."

Putin gestured toward Bush as he acted out the story. The worker walked up to Putin and put out his hand and opened it up. "And the cross was there." Putin told Bush: "It was as if something meant for me to have the cross."

Bush shares with Noonan: "I said, 'Mr. Putin, President Putin, that's what it's all about -- that's THE story of the cross."

Noonan writes: "I thought later, after I had left the White House, that Bush, as a believer who feels he has been born again in Christ, would likely have interpreted what happened between them with great simplicity: God is here, is operating through us, wants good for the world, performs miracles."

Now...consider the GQ story about Putin. The guy is a former spy who was willing to ride the deaths of hundreds to gain power. I wonder how many laughs Putin and his FSB buddies had over vodkas as he relayed to them how easily he had manipulated our President? The comedy is only outweighed by the utter shame.

Wall Street plays with death

Matt Taibbi has an interesting post up about a new racket on Wall Street: a tradable index on life settlements. Just what is this you wonder? It's a bright idea by the same folks that brought you the wonderfully catastrophic world of Mortgage Backed Securities. You remember them from the wonderful economic crisis we're trying to dig ourselves out of.

Goldman Sachs has developed a tradable index of life settlements, enabling
investors to bet on whether people will live longer than expected or die sooner
than planned. The index is similar to tradable stock market indices that allow
investors to bet on the overall direction of the market without buying stocks.

Taibbi points out two major problems with this latest casino game:

The article does discuss the probable negative consequence that will come
with a severe drop in the number of lapsed policies (until now, there were
always a certain number of people who would let their insurance lapse either
because they outlived their beneficiaries or could no longer afford the
premiums; now, they will simply sell their policies instead of letting them
lapse). The likely result here is higher premiums across the board for the
ordinary person, which I suppose is an important point to consider.

But even beyond that… what the fuck??? This feels like financial
innovation as practiced by Josef Mengele meets the Zucker Brothers; not just
evil, but wacky evil. I don’t even want to think about what happens when Goldman
Sachs suddenly has a large financial stake in the premature deaths of a bunch of
old people. Where are the crazy police? Where is the crack federal crazy squad
with the big butterfly net? I don’t know about betting on anyone’s life
expectancy, but I think I’d like to bet on whether or not this idea ends

I wonder if Sarah Palin and the rest of the GOP is gonna go after Wall Street on this. I mean...these are the same folks that tell us how wonderful greed is. What a strong motivating and powerful tool it is, right? Well...is it that far of a jump to think that the Gordon Gekkos of the world could start putting together wet teams?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The National Football League kicks it off

Ahh....yeah. Tonight is the kickoff of the 2009 NFL season, which means it's time for the BTPC to pull out the old prognosticating cap, buckle down in front of the keyboard and tempt the gods by trying to predict the games. Just a reminder, the betting lines are for "entertainment purposes only."

So let's get it on.

STEELERS (-6) over Titans = I just can't go with a team that counts on Kerry Collins to put two back to back seasons of good football. I also can't go against a team who is coached by GQ from Juice.

Additionally, Lendale "No More Tequila" White (I wonder if he can sell that nickname to Shawn Merriman...Lendale, call me. I'll broker it) guaranteed that I would not play him for "Pitino...party of two," by talking about how he would dance on the terrible towel even in Heinz Field.

You've got Heinz Field rocking to welcome their Super Bowl Champs back. And you've also got Big Ben ready to show out after a summer of him being accused by what certainly would appear to be a crazy chick he banged who went subsequently whack on him and decided to accuse him of rape. Big Ben's feeling so good right now, he and his lawyers basically laughed at the accuser's attorney's lame offer this past week to dismiss the case for an apology and a donation to a women's charity. I think Big Ben is feeling a little bulletproof right about now.

Top that off with a Titan's team that lost arguably the most dominant defensive tackle in the game. Add in that it's early enough where Fast Willie Parker is still healthy and fast since it's only week one and I've got to take the Steelers to cover.

Enjoy the game. And let's go Georgia Tech!

Sen. Lindsey Graham has got skillz

Who knew Lindsey had the mad game he displayed for a national television audience last night? Don't believe me? Just check out the Senator's wicked crossover, stutter-step, pump-fake clap. It's Iverson-like.

South Carolina: We do crazy, right.

After South Carolina seceded in 1860, former congressman James L. Petigru famously remarked, "South Carolina is too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum."

Boy...he wasn't kidding, was he?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

80s Classic remembered: Gymkata

A new kind of martial arts combat. The skill of gymnastics. The kill of karate.

Of course...if you ever watched this movie, I'm sure you wondered the same thing I did: how odd is it that a pommel horse or a set of parallel bars just happen to show up everytime ninjas attack our hero Jonathan Cabot? But given that they do, it sure is convenient that Cabot trained in art of Gymkata, no? Anyway...it all turns out well in the end. We did get that satellite monitoring station in Parmistan.

Milla Jovovich is smokin'

Jovovich and I have had a relationship since she first came into my life as Leeloo and said "Badaboom." Unfortunately, Milla has been unaware of our connection. But fortunately, perhaps guided by fate, she has decided to take a few pictures for me. And "oh my God" does she look incredible in the pics. (Warning: NSFW, unless your boss likes incredibly hot yet artsy and classic nudes).

Thanks, sweetie. I'll see you soon.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Saxby Chambliss is a douchebag

Maybe you know Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA). You know...he's the piece of crap that ran adds against Max Cleland in 2002 questioning the Vietnam triple-amputee veteran's patriotism and leadership.

Saxby (which has to be one of the five all-time gayest names I've ever heard) is pictured here, showing some of his own trademark "humility." That's the same trait Chambliss says President Obama better show tomorrow night when he appears before Congress.

"What you're seeing is folks on my side anxious to see what the president has to
say tomorrow night," Chambliss said. "I think he's gonna have to express
some humility based on what we've seen around the country this August and that's
not his inclination."

Hey, Saxby...eff off, douchebag. Anyone would have to be outta their damn mind to take humility advice from you.

Al Franken knows Cartography

Say what you want about Senator Al Franken, but this is a pretty damn impressive parlor trick: Franken freehand draws a map of he US from memory.