Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Week 2 picks: live from the Double Deuce

One of the BTPC's favorite actor's passed away this past Monday, the great Patrick Swayze. In honor of the Swayz, this week's picks are based off of lines from his movies: Road House. It's a good choice, because the first week of the NFL season is always like the pre-Dalton Double Deuce. It's rowdy and dangerous. Some teams are dancing on tables, some are throwing crap at the band and others are just chillin' listening to the soulsy-blues of the Jeff Healy Band. As the season goes on, the ruffians will be kicked out and a higher clientele will emerge. I'm not talking Brad Wesley's bleached-blonde bimbo, Denise, folks. I'm talking David Lynch's MD having daughter, cleverly named: Doc. We're gonna clean these picks up.

Speaking of the afore-mentioned Denise, we're feeling a little like her this week. We got a little out of line with our picks last week, what with picking the Bungles (now you tell me, Reino) and with taking the Panthers as our upset special (I honestly did not know they were going to let Delhomme throw the ball. I had been told he was on a strict, hand-off-only restriction). As a result, we've got a little bit of a black eye, courtesy of the football gods (and Brad Wesley's backhand). The scorecard after 1, a mediocre 8-7, staving off the dreaded .500 due to completely overlooking the SF and 'ZONA game. Now, some would say, you know you would have taken 'Zona to cover, so mark it up as a loss. Not so fast, my friend...we think that was devine intervention. The football gods wanted us to have a winning record, as miniscule as it may be. And who are we to mess with the football gods when they throw us a bone.

So, it's a new morning and we're up in our unitard, doing some aerobics getting ready to go right back at the table dancing. We're embarassed when Dalton sees the black eye. But we deserved it. We were supposed to seduce him. We failed. We're gonna do better this time.

Texans (+6.5) v TITANS = Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong. - Emmett.

This gem from Uncle Jesse's long lost brother pretty much sums up those tags of "sleeper" thrown at the Texans the last two years: they don't belong. Seriously...a 24-7 loss to a rookie QB at home? Remember when no one could understand why Gary Kubiak had not yet gotten a head coaching job in the NFL? I think we may be starting to see why. And by the way, Matt Schaub...you think you could throw a few more passes the best player on your team, Mr. Andre Johnson? I and "Pitino...party of two" would greatly appreciate it.

As bad as the Texans looked, I don't think Tenessee will beat them by 6.5. I think they will dominate the game, but once they get up, they'll just grind down the clock.

BTPC pick = Texans lose, but gamblers win.

JAGS (-3.5) v. Cards = I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead. - Wade Garrett

I think Kurt Warner may be starting to show his age. He looked old and sloppy last Sunday. The Sportsguy pointed out Warner was dying his hair now. Not a good sign. Maybe God told him to do it. Then again, I think God is apparently still pissed about Kurt and his wife lying to the girls about the puppy last season.

As the Sportsguy points out, Arizona, in addition to coming off a bad loss, is a west coast team kicking off an away game at 1:00 pm eastern standard time. That's never good. Especially for a senior citizen like Warner.

BTPC pick = Jags cover.

Saints (PK) v. EAGLES = Pain don't hurt - Dalton

With Michael Vick waiting in the wings, does anyone doubt McNabb's rib will be the fastest healing rib in the history of modern medicine? Seriously...after that display last week by the Saints, how does Vegas not throw them some points? I understand we don't know diddly about Kolb or whether he will in fact be the QB. But we know who is starting under center for the Saints. And Brees...that guy is good. Sidenote: Drew Brees has officially taken over the coolest pregame firing up speech in sports. That thing where he counts down and the team is all around him shouting gave me goose bumps. Way, way cooler that Sugar Ray's lame-ass "Where my dogs at?" speech. Brees' teammates seem to be really getting into it and believing in him.

BTPC pick = Saints easily.

Raiders (+3) v. CHIEFS = The Double Douche! - Wade Garrett

Despite Oakland's valiant effort, does anyone really care about these two teams? Further, does anyone really know who will be throwing the ball for Kansas City? Or who will be catching? Didn't think so.

BTPC pick = Raiders cover.

JETS (+4) v. Pats = I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice. - Dalton

Watching that game against the Bills Monday night, didn't it just feel like Brady was Dalton? He just had the whole Double Deuce staff waiting and waiting and waiting, until it was time to not be nice. It was vintage Brady and made me feel awfully good about using the #8 pick in our draft on him (although I'll admit, I'm second guessing not picking Brees instead).

I refuse to get on the Jets bandwagon, simply out of spite. While part of me thinks this game will be close, another part of me sees Billy B as wanting to send a message after such a close game to the Bills. The message, "We're still the big swinging dick in the room and don't you forget it." Mark Sanchez may have looked good last week, but in a matchup between a rookie QB and Billy B, I'll go with man wearing the cut up sweatshirt. Mark Sanchez his hassled and hit so much, his new nickname is "Dirty Sanchez."

BTPC pick = Pats cover.

LIONS (+9.5) v. Vikings = JC Penny is coming here because of me! - Brad Wesley

I have come to realize, Brett Favre is as evil and self-centered as Brad Wesley. I almost vomited in my mouth thinking of all the "love of the game" comments I knew were coming when he ran down and dogpiled on Percy Harvin. I swear...I think Favre intentionally did it to play to an image he has tarnished. I can only hope he tears his rotator cuff doing it again.

The Lions could not run on the Saints. They damn sure are not going to do so against Minnesota. But they also proved the could score some points. I don't see the Vikes beating them by 9.5.

BTPC pick = Lions lose, gamblers win.

Bengals (+9) v. PACKERS = All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. - Dalton

Jesus...the Bungles cannot catch a break. For their sake, I have given them the Dalton Rules. Perhaps they can utilize these rules to get over the hump. I'm betting they do. In fact, just to thumb my nose at Reino, I'm doubling down on the Bungles. I think they jump back from a heartbreaking loss and catch a Packers team riding a little too high from their win. But they'll just cover...I'm not that crazy

BTPC pick = Bengals lose, but gamblers win.

Rams (+10) v. 'SKINS = It'll get worse before it gets better. - Dalton

This quote is obviously meant for Steve Spagnola's benefit. Sorry, Steve but you suck.

BTPC pick = 'Skins cover.

FALCONS (-6) v. Panthers = Morgan: "What am I supposed to do now?" Dalton: "There's always barber college."

For Jake Delhomme. Best line of the weekend? ProFootballTalk.com's: "Delhomme is french for turnover." Seriously...I think Delhomme's confidence is shattered.

The Sportsguy has an interesting take on why he's picking the Panthers as his upset of the week. Basically, Jake has so lost the trust of the fans, that he can play loose and that the backlash against him has rallied his teammates to the "no one believes in us" stage, unique for a team coming off a 12-4 season. I can see his point and could see the Panthers win outright. But two things lead me to doubt it will happen. 1) the Panthers GM is so worried, he took to the airwaves yesterday on the Packman show to address the situation. That's like a kiss of death. 2) Ryan uncharacteristicly missed two wide open guys for what would have been TDs and the Panthers can't stop the run like Miami. I think Atlanta wins, but I think the Panthers keep it close.

BTPC pick = Panthers lose, but gamblers win.

Bucs (+5) v. BILLS = I got married to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you. She left me, though. Found somebody even uglier than she was. That's life. Who can explain it? - Red Webster

Anyone catch the video of TO sitting on the bench all by his lonesome as Brady drove the Pats down the field late in the 4th Monday night? They can't complain. They got the warning (just like Red gave Dalton). He takes the energy right out of you.

Good thing they are playing the dreadful Bucs.

BTPC pick = Bills cover.

NINERS (-1.5) v. 'Hawks = It ain't the money ya understand, but if I don't charge ya somethin' the Presbyterians around here are likely to pray for my ruination. How does a hundred dollars a month strike ya? - Emmett

It ain't the money for Michael Crabtree. It's the principle. Something tells me, Crabtree's principles are gonna start lowering once he realizes the money is dropping. Some reports have him going even further back if he were to re-enter the draft next year. Something has got to give soon. And it will most likely be the young 20-something without revenue rather than the surprisingly-tough-to-beat-potentially-reborn-dynasty, whose revenue is increasing with each win.

The 'Hawks offense came to life. Carlson will give the 49ers problems. I don't want the points, I don't need the points, but I'll take the points.

BTPC pick = Seahawks win.

Ravens (+3.5) v. CHARGERS = "That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that." - Wade Garrett

It's really not fair for Baltimore's D and rushing game to get a potentially franchise QB, which Flacco is starting to look at. It's not fair. But speaking of Kelly Lynch...I listened to Adam Corolla's podcast with the Mr. Skin founder. He was talking about how Blu-Ray has freaked his staff out, because they have to go back and redo all their files because the higher resolution is causing them to discover more and more nudity. One example was that on the Blu-ray release of Road House, when Lynch gets up from the bed nude and you see her backside, you can pause the dvd and catch a glimpse of her...ahem..."stuff" from the backside. Blu-ray...finding nudity where none existed.

Hmmm....hard-hitting Ravens coming to town and LDT is already "injured." Coincidence? I think not.

BTPC pick = Ravens cover.

BRONCOS (-3.5) v. Browns = Oh, yo. Whatever he's saying, you can be fairly sure it's a lie. -Dalton

Dalton could have been refering to both Mangini and McDaniels. They are, afterall, Billy B disciples, no? Warning: this pick is based on nothing whatsoever other than the Bronco's are at home and I hate Mangini and Quinn.

BTPC pick = Broncos win and cover.

BEARS (+3) v. Steelers = Do you always carry your medical record around with you? - Doc.
Brian Urlacher, who was injured most of last season, could just as easily answer the same way as Dalton ("Saves time") now that we know he is out for the season. Somewhere, Jake Cutler is probably calling him a pussy.

Bears at home, Steelers with no Troy P.

BTPC pick = Bears cover.

Giants (+3) v. COWBOYS = This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, "Don't eat the big white mint." -Wade Garrett

Or better yet...don't hit the big effin scoreboard. If there truly is a God, he will ruin Jerry Jones' christening of his gaudy stadium. And Jeff Feagles will hit the scoreboard twice.

BTPC pick = Giants cover.

Colts (-3) v. PHINS = Elvis! Play something with balls!- Brad Wesley


To Tony Sparano and Dan Henning. Call some shots downfield, dammit. Teams are absolutely loading the box against the Phins. You have got to stretch the field! Here's where we see if Sparano was a flash in the pan or if he can rally his troops. Pennington will help out. So will Fasano who will bounce back from two fumbles. We will see some successful wildcat against an AFC foe. Rookie CB Sean Smith will make the first of many interceptions against Peyton Manning, who will become once again acquainted with Jason Taylor. And Jake Long, embarassed by last week will, stymie Dwight Freeny.

I don't want the points. I don't need the points, but I'll take the points.

BTPC Pick = PHINS pull off the upset. Wildcat detractors shut up.

Season to date = 8-7
Upset of the week = 0-1


Mike Reino said...

GOP Swami Says you go 10-6 this week, and the 'P-Luv Needs to Have His Head Examined Pick' is the Bears-Steelers. Cutler puts 13 pois up against Green Bay, no way he'll even do that against Pittsburgh. Bobby will have your head for that pick..

pluvlaw said...

Green Bay has a decent secondary. Pitt is a different (and not in a better way) D without Troy P.

Mike Reino said...

Well, you got that one right, but am I wrong , or did you go 7-9?

pluvlaw said...

this is Vegas, baby! using the spreads, I think I'm 7-7-2 this week.