Sunday, September 13, 2009

Week 1 NFL picks: Gots to get it on...*

Having arose too early for Sunday Morning (I blame "swine flu," or as it's also called: hangover after another heartbreaking Gamecock loss to Georgia), I suppose I should go ahead and further demolish my confidence by attempting to predict today's NFL results.

All picks are 100% money back guaranteed, because if you're stupid enough to pay me for my picks, then you're obviously insane enough to believe that.

The season has not gotten off to a great start, as I picked the Steelers at +6 to cover and they only won by 3. That's secret weapon was not aware that the season was starting Thursday. But as you can see from this Kuato is awake and ready to prognosticate.

So let's get it on...

Broncos (+4) v. BENGALS = In case you did not watch, this season's Hard Knocks in Bengals camp was great. Ochocinco introduced the world to two new catchphrases that you will be absolutely sick of by Week Three.

The entire world laughed as they watched the Bengal coaching staff look like a college freshman Philosophy 101 class, while "Professor" Mike Brown led the discussion on the teams personnel strategy (reason #1 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

We watched the most dickhead Turk ever bang on the door of young player at 5 am in the morning, wake the poor guy up to cut his ass, while trying to walk into the room with a camera crew. Did I mention this guy had just been woken up and was obviously still a little out of it and just in his drawers? And that he had a skin condition, so is probably already a tad touchy about his appearance? (Reason #2 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

We watched and shook our heads as Andre Smith finally signed, getting congratulated by his agent for becoming a millionaire and not for officially becoming a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE Player, then the football gods paying him back by immediately breaking a bone in his foot. (Reason #3 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

We watched as Head Coach Marvin Lewis tried to drive to work and was literally barred from entering the stadium by malfunction: a broken gate, which had apparently been broken for quite some time as Marvin knew just how to "break in." (Reason #4 why the Bengals are the Bengals).

So...I suppose you're expecting me to take the Broncos here? Child please. When the final gun goes off, the Broncos will have kissed the baby.

BTPC Pick: Bengals cover.

Jets (+4.5) v. TEXANS = I'm not buying all this J-E-T-S love. How well did the last pretty boy rookie QB who posed in GQ (Matt Leinhart) work out? And since it's only week 1, I am assuming Matt Schaub is healthy.

Plus...Andre Johnson was the #2 pick of my fantasy team, " of two," which means he is gonna tear it up (please???).

BTPC pick: Texans win and beat the spread.

Vikings (-4) v. BROWNS = In case you missed it, some guy named Favre is back. Let me be up front. I hate Wrangler jeans. I hate Prilosec. I hate Brett Favre. And the only guy Brett Favre makes look like a bigger fool than Bus Cook, is Brad Childress, who has never met a replay he could and would not botch. But...there's two reasons why I have to go with the Vikes to cover. First, when the opposing coach seems to be putting a premium on trying to fake you out over which one of his shitty QBs you will be facing...that's not a good sign. Second, it's HIM's first game back.

The original HIM, before Mr. Favre.

It is preordained that we are gonna have to hear swooning all over HIM, as HIM runs around in the backfield, escapes some tackles, throws up a completely bullshit pass and somehow pulls a big play out of his ass. Then we will have to hear the announcers gush about how HIM didn't come back for money. HIM didn't come back for revenge. HIM came back for the pure LOVE OF THE GAME.

Then we will have to watch as the studio analysts spew all over HIM during the highlight shows. Then we will be given vomit-in-the-mouth experience of watching Peter King attempt to win back his lover man in his MMQB article:

"Waffling is not a negative term. I love waffles. They're delicious. Listen to
this voicemail I've still got on my phone from where HIM called me from his
favorite Waffle House in Mississippi while he was eating waffles.

HIM: Peter...I's not you it's me. I just can't keep it up. That's why I
am absolutely, positively not coming back.

Me: I hear chewing...what are
you eating?

HIM: Waffles.

Me: What kind?

HIM: Pecan.

Me: That is so cool.

Great coffee at the Meridian, Mississippi Waffle House #5. I also want to meet this guy Bert. Have you tried his chili? It's out of this world. Did you know you could get the chili on your hasbrowns? True story: just order them 'topped.' Management of the Westin...are you reading this?"

Eventually this season, HIM is gonna kill the Vikes and cause chaos. But not this early.

BTPC pick = Vikes cover.

Lions (+13) v. SAINTS = I like the Saints. I think they will win. But they've got some injuries and I don't see them covering.

BTPC pick = Lions lose, but gamblers win.

Jaguars (+7) v. Colts = Looks like Bob Sanders may not play. Ernest Wilfork is back in Jacksonville. Tony Dungy is gone from Indy.

BTPC pick = Colts win, but do not cover.

RAVENS (-13) v. Chiefs = Matthew Berry is "wacco for Flacco." Coach Haley cannot find anyone who wants to catch the ball and looks like finding someone to throw it may be tough too (if Cassel does not play). He also just fired his offensive coordinator. Not a good sign. Either way, Tyler Thigpen or Matt Cassel, I don't think it matters to Lewis, Ngata, Reed and Company. But look at the postives, KC fans: At least your coach did not welcome his players to camp with a personally, magic-marker-hand-drawn "Welcome" sign. Things are looking up.

BTPC pick = Ravens cover.

Cowboys (-6) v. BUCS = The Bucs just fired their OC, because he was not "sophisticated" enough. Too bad this game is not in Dallas, that way the Bucs could just keep booming punts into the scoreboard until the 'Boys fell down. Since it is not, I like the 'Boys.

BTPC pick = Cowboys cover.

PATS (-10.5) v. Bills = Tom Brady is back. I expect big things from Brady since I took him as my first pick. And I'm not just talking about the baby him and his supermodel wife are expecting. The Bills are another team that just fired their OC. Things are so bad, that Ralph Wilson called the coaching staff to his home for a little pep talk. Did I mention that TO has already started complaining about the no-huddle? But here's the thing...I am not sold on the Pats being that great. That offensive line let Brady get lit up a few times during the preseason. And the defense has taken a hit with the loss of Bruschi and Seymor. I think they win, but 10.5 is too large with the weapons the Bills have.

BTPC pick = Bills lose, but gamblers win.

Bonus Prediction: Over-the-calf, striped athletic socks make a big comeback, thanks to Mrs. B√ľndchen-Brady.

Eagles (-2) v. PANTHERS = UPSET OF THE WEEK. I do not understand this line. I don't want the points. I don't need the points. But I'll take the points. Panthers are kind of like a dog. Dogs want revenge on Michael Vick. The Panthers are gonna run all over the Eagles. There is gonna be at least 2 awkward moments as the Eagles stall on drives where Vick comes in for McNabb. And someday some enterprising "green" engineer is gonna figure out a way to hook up an electrical generator to John Fox's jaw and offer clean, renewable energy to the uptown-area of Charlotte.

(Late add: these would apparently be very awkward moments as I forgot that Vick was suspended for two games. Opps. Later add: In defense of this pick, I fully thought the Panthers would not allow Jake Delhomme to throw the ball at all and would simply run nothing but rushing plays. I was obviously mistaken)

BTPC pick = Panthers.

Redskins (+6.5) v. GIANTS = Ehh....Giants win, but not by 6.5

BTPC pick = 'Skins lose but cover.

SEAHAWKS (-8.5) v. Rams = This is not your daddy's Rams. No Tory Holt. No Orlando Pace. But also no Scott Linehan. The 'Hawks were devastated by injuries last year and I think they are gonna make a big comeback this season. Not only do they play in a crap division, but I have seen no one point out that mountain climbing trip Mora and Goodell took together this summer.

If you don't think Jim and Roger took out the "mountain climbing license" and sketched out the designs on an intricate money making scam that would benefit both and insure a championship coming to Seattle, ala Nicholson and Assante in "Hoffa," then you're crazy.

BTPC pick = 'Hawks cover.

PACKERS (-3.5) v. Bears = The 'Pack is back, baby. And by "baby," I'm referring to you, Jake Cutler.

BTPC pick = Pack covers.

Dolphins (+4) v. FALCONS = UPSET. I don't want the points. I don't need the points. But I'll take the points. This Dolphin team is built from the lines out. And it's gonna show over the course of the season. Matt Jason Taylor and Joey Porter. BTW, a TE is gonna have a big game today and it ain't gonna be Tony G. It's gonna be the kid the Big Tuna compares to Mark Bravaro, Mr. Anthony Fasano. Go big Italian Tight Ends!

BTPC pick = Miami.

CHARGERS (-9) v. Raiders = Uh...this one could get ugly. In case you missed it, Merriman was accused this past week of assaulting his girlfriend, Tila Tequila. Tequila said Merriman hit and choked her. Merriman says Tequila was drunk as hell and trying to drive, so he restrained her. Paramedics did not find any injuries on her and the San Diego DA has decided not to press any charges. Tequila and her attorney have announced that she will pursue a civil case, because the DA's decision to drop the case was a "reckless decision." I wonder if Tila intends to call herself as an expert in the field of reckless decisions.

Rumor has it, there was a bit of a party going on and Tequila got upset when she saw Merriman enter his bedroom with two other ladies. Tequila stormed in to demand what was happening and for some unknown reason, she flipped out when Merriman proposed that she join them. Tequila then stormed out of the bedroom saying she intended to screw one of Merriman's pals and began undressing.

I say unknown, because as you can see, it's not like Tila is adverse to switch hitting. Regardless, I think I speak for most NFL fans when I say, "I want to party with Shawn Merriman. Anway...the point of the Merriman story is that it marks a record of sorts. The 2009 NFL season has officially broken the record for number of players making news for giving up Tequila (Merriman and Lendale White). I'm sure Roger Goodell is proud.

To the game, this Chargers team has a bunch of guys with something to prove. Merriman needs to prove his stats to this point are not a product of his juicing. LDT needs to prove he is not washed up, nor is he a selfish, team-killer who pouts when he is not the star. Antonio Gates needs to prove he is all the way back from injury and is still the premier TE in football. Ron Rivera needs to prove he deserves some more interviews for the top slot in some organization. And Norv Turner needs to prove, that despite that turkey neck of his, he is not all about choking.

BTPC pick = Chargers cover.

BTPC Season Record = 0-1-0

*Title shamelessly stolen from Adam Corolla. Idea from Bill Simmons.

1 comment:

Mike Reino said...

Kuato Lives, but a couple of those picks didn't. His last words before he got capped?? 'Open Your Mind - and NEVER bet on the Bungles!!!'