One rose, two girls...or is it three? In the "most dramatic rose ceremony yet, the current installment of Mr. Wonderful, Jason Mesnick must choosed between Melissa, Molly or if you believe the BS hype machine that is ABC, the Bachelorette that dumped him, Deanna "Big Ankles" Pappas.
A quick pic of Deanna, in case you forgot her...
Deanna is out. She screwed over Jesse "I'm such a fun, good guy that I snowboard and wear psycho jackets" Csincsak. Sorry, Deanna...it ain't happening.
Really...you and this guy didn't work out huh? Shocker.
The other options are Melissa and Molly. Heads up...there is, according to ABC, the most shocking twist yet, requiring them to shoot the last show with no audience. The latest conspiracy theory is that Jason picks one girl tonight, then backs out and changes tomorrow. Check it, there are two "After the Final Rose" episodes. My prediction, he picks Melissa, then switches to my girl Molly.
Here goes...I can hardly wait.
8:00 = In case you've been in a coma or are too cool to admit that a show consisting of 25 single men/women throwing themselves at one particular man/woman is the most "amazing" show ever, then you need to know that this season's Bachelor is a single dad. Therefore the final two contestants are getting the all important "kid date" with Jason and his kid Ty.
8:05 = If quality of jokes are any indicator, Melissa loses hands down. And what the hell is with the lamb? Good thing Von is not a finalist. She would have butchered that thing and had made rare chops, with some fava beans and a nice chianti ala Dr. Lecter...
8:11 = Jason "puts Ty down" (which I am hoping means to sleep and not dead) and Melissa meets Jason's family.
8:15 = Me and my family are really close, except when I ask them to come on national tv and completely exposed themselves to laughter and ridicule. Weird, huh?
8:17 = Not for nothing, but how well did gettin' Deanna's dad's blessing work out last time. Maybe its a tad overrated?
8:19 = "She's got such an affection for kids." She's been around the kid for what, maybe 8 hours tops right now. I'm pretty sure she could be faking it. Just sayin...
8:22 = Von points out that Molly has crazy eyes. Good point. I am reevaluating my pick. On second thought, no I'm not. The Bachelors routinely pick the crazy bitches.
Exhibit #1 in Crazy eyes debate: the Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks. You telling me her fiance did not think her being batshit crazy was a possibility?
8:27 = "I can't fall in love with someone unless I see them with Ty." That's a little weird. No pressure, right.
8:29 = Ok... Molly not doing so well with the kid. BTW, step up as a dad there Jason, teach the kid the proper form on frisbee technique.
8:31 = Does Jason have his jeans rolled up or are those capris?
8:39 = What are the "right reasons?"
8:40 = Von once again points out the crazy eyes or a Von says "goldfish eyes." And so the brother lives in the house? Conflict of interest...he's probably got some Penthouse letters scenario playing out. $20 bucks says he votes for my girl Molly. Crazy eyes = weird 3-way with brothers.
8:44 = Polygamy! You don't have to let either one go. If its good enough for Chet from Weird Science, it's good enough for you, Jason.
After being such a shit to Gary and Wyatt, Chet found the LDS and moved to Juniper Creek to serve the prophet, Roman Grant.
8:46 = Von and I just decided that Melissa looks an awful lot like Deanna. Ruh-roh for my Molly prediction. And by the way, who has a door sounding alarm in their house? What is that about? Is Deanna walking in to the Bachelor house of the changing room at JcPenny.
Back to Melissa:
8:54 = Uh...phone call with mom and dad ain't gonna cut it.
8:55 = You don't pick a gal with a Panama City license tag to be your kids new mom.
Here Ty...meet your new mom.
9:00 = Uh...phone call to parents or sexy massage with someone who wants to give you 110%. It's all about Molly.
Molly's Date 2:
9:07 = Bow-chicca-wow-wow...
9:09 = the old hand-made gift idea. Molly has bought a few seasons on DVD folks. She came to WIN
9:11 = I'm thinkin' about the old Oak Ridge Boys song: trying to love to women, is like a ball and chain. Trying to love to women is like a ball and chain. Sometimes the pleasure ain't worth the pain. It's a long, long grind and it tries the mind...
Calling Melissa's parents:
9:17 = Notice the call with the parents was "awesome," not amazing. Not good. BTW, it gave him closure...uh, that's not good. Closure does not sound like he plans on talking to them.
9:19 = Cankles Pappas is back? "If I would have followed my heart and my head?" What did she follow? And Von wants to know if she has earrings any bigger.
9:21 = Eff off, Cankles. I don't want a woman who is wearing the headpiece to the staff of Rah on her ears. I'm looking for a soulmate, honey, not the Well of the Souls.
Dr. Jones uses Deanna Pappas' earring to locate the Ark of the Covenant...
9:24 = Can I just say that was an incredible season long build-up for a quick slap down by Jason. Way to go, J-dawg. Notice how Deanna tried to play that shit off...I followed my heart. Uh, too late, honey...you just said 60 seconds ago that you did not follow either your heart or your head. Loser.
9:31 = "It's surrounded by 170 small diamonds..." You can tell these rings are free with that kind of statement to a single dad.
9:33 = Von and I have decided two things. 1) It's the eyeliner that give Molly her crazy eyes. Lay off of it sister. 2) Jason is a wimp. Stop crying. Man up.
9:34 = How do you know someone makes you a better person when your only exposure to each other has been fantasy-like due the fact that all your interaction has been via a damn tv show.
First up for the rose ceremony, Molly:
9:43 = he cuts Molly loose. "I never want to say goodbye to you." Whatever. Loser. Bad decision. Molly: "I don't understand." Von says she should know why...because she got out the limo first. But if the rumors are true...this means Molly is really the one. BTW, after you dump me on national tv, I ain't holding your hand. And stop crying, dude. You're wearing pants. Act it.
9:59 = Melissa gets the rose. For now...
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE I:
10:04 = Is this real? That beginning seems so contrived it can't be real.
10:07 = Does Jason have hair plugs? I mean, what about his dad, then check out the difference between the outside horseshoe of hair and his hair in the middle.
10:15 = Damn! Kicked to da curb. How uncomfortable would it be to sit next to them on the couch for Chris.
10:19 = You are such a bastard. Oh...this is the best Bachelor ever. She's busting out the third person. "You don't want to fight for Melissa."
10:20 = Eff that, girl. He ain't pay for the ring, you keep that shit.
10:24 = Chris is asking if Jason is sure this is his decision. WTF? Ain't no walking away now. Nice of Chris to step away now so they can have some privacy.
10:30 = There is a fine line between being a sensitve man and a menstruating woman.
10:35 = Molly comes out. You know Chris wants to say, Girl...you ain't gonna believe this shit. Wonder if she still wants him after watching him cry like a little girl.
10:41 = You ever hope he changes his mind? Well...get ready, girl.
10:45 = They reunite. How do you fall to your knees and walk up the stairs? DRAMA QUEEN.
10:49 = Wow. Molly's looks over at Chris are great. She's looking over at him like, "Is he serious?" I mean, its like she's looking over at Chris for a line or something.
10:59 = Told you. Molly is da bomb.
That was the best reality train wreck ever.
Tuesday, March 3 2009. "After the Final Rose II"
10:00 = After the party there's the after party and after the after party there's the after after party and...this is taking place 6 weeks after the carnage we watched last night.
10:06 = Right now they are showing the dumpage of Melissa again. I really loved when she went all 3rd person. "Because you chose Melissa. Now you don't want to fight for Melissa." Good stuff.
10:08 = Last night on Kimmel, he was really raggin on Jason. He asked what he thought would happen now between him and Melissa and if they would invite her to the wedding. He said he thought they would be good friends so yeah and Kimmel just started dying laughing and saying no, no trust me buddy, you and she ain't ever gonna be friends.
10:19 = Blah, blah, blah...It's nice to see Stephanie and her foreheard back. Erica sure seems bitter. And Naomi or as Von says, "Eva Mendes wannabe." This just in...Stephanie is a mommy. Really? I had no idea.
10:24 = I just had video of a commercial for "Castle" on ABC, with auido for that "Ted" show. It was probably the best commercial I've seen in a while.
10:26 = Here's Jason which gives us an excuse to play the video one more time. Roll tape. On Kimmel, Jason said they talked about this several times before that show and that she knew when she walked on stage it was over. If that is the case, she put on a bit of a show.
10:29 = What about all those viewers who are mad? Uh...screw 'em. I'm the one that would have to live with this lady. Can I just say, Andrew Firestone would have never done this. (That one is in honor of my old law school bachelor watching buddy Elise, who used to "swoon" over Andrew).
10:37 = Molly-time!
10:48 = People are being mean to Molly. Back off, people. Forehead Stephanie said it was all good. And she's a mom.
10:49 = Chris: "Where are we in this relationship?" Uh...Chris, you ain't anywhere. Or. is. he? Bow-chica-wow-wow.
10:50 = She's moving to Seattle. Just like Meg Ryan. Awww...
10:52 = Chris gives them the tent. That jokester. He is also giving Jason the knife made of glacial ice that was used to cut Melissa's heart out.
10:54 = America, your next Bachelorette: Jillian. Somewhere, Melissa's heart just died a little more.
10:57 = Rumor has it Stephanie was in the running, but with this depression on, ABC could not afford the constant botox injections required for her forehead. I think they should have signed her up, then rented that space as a billboard during the show.