It's Monday night...that means it is The Bachelorette time. And tonight is the season ender, or as ABC likes to tell us: the most emotional season ending ever. This is of course the only way a season full of "the most dramatic rose ceremonies yet" could end. Keep in mind throughout this, no matter how much these two people are here for "the right reasons," the odds of them making it are slightly less than me winning the Powerball.
On with the trainwreck:
8:08 = Little late to post, but I have been watching. After hearing Ed lament not being able to "show Jillian how much her loved her" during their fantasy suite date (Read: not being able to get it up), Ed thinks his hometown date is big. After explaining to both of Jillian's parents, some old lady (grandma?) and a sister why he ran out on their Jillian, Ed get's called "terrifically good looking by Jillian's grandma.
8:10 = Jillian's mother, apparently not content with ruining her daughter's chances by asking Jason Mesnick 76 questions, decides to ask Ed 66. Great plan, Peggy. Giving someone a pop quiz. Great way to get to know someone. I have no idea why your daughter had to go on a tv show to find love. But apparently he gave "really good answers."
8:12 = Ed is asking Jillian's dad, Glen for her hand in marriage. At least it looks like the guy they identified as her dad. But it sounds an awful lot like Bob McKenzie, ay. No way, ay. He was in the crease...
8:13 = Ed passes the family test I suppose, because now he and her dad have coconut bras on and are hulaing. I have to say, I'm a little upset they don't show a little more of Jillian's sister, because I am kind of on the fence of whether or not Jillian is hot. Sometimes she looks great, other times, not so much. Perhaps a little more emphasis on the sister and I could have made the call based on genes.
8:17 = Kipton-time. Jillian tells us she is excited to see Kipton. She "got to that place she needed to be with him." Then she proceeds to say, "There's a definite physical chemistry that is through the roof. " Ruh-roh, Ed. I don't think Kipton has had any problems showing her the love and taking her to that place she needed to be. (Sidenote: What's the over-under on how long it will be after this show that Ed is in a Cialis commercial? A week? A month? A commercial before the final rose ceremony tonight? I'm going with immediately following this show if Jillian picks him. Something along the lines of "Hey...if it helped me overcome a blown fantasy suite date, it can work for you." ) And for a pair with definite chemistry, that kiss Jillian initiated there after telling him how her parents would grill him a little is a trainwreck. She leaned in too far, pulled back, jammed her face into his. Come on, sister...settle down. In the immortal reversed words of Rusty Griswold, I think she's gonna pork him.
8:22 = Mom thinks Kipton is more like Jillian. And while Jill, Grandma and her sister discuss Kipton, I have decided Jill's sister is hotter than her. Now that we've settled that, Dad asks Kipton straight out if he is in love with his daughter. Kipton gives a very long answer where he really does not answer the question. They do a confessional interview where Kipton explains that during the answer he realized that he really is falling in love, but he still is not really answering the question.
8:29 = Jill gathers the fam around to give their thoughts. The hot Harris sister explains that while Ed is good looking like Kipton, he's a little more professional and work "orientated" (sic -- whatever the hell that means), which is similar. Then she mentions something about Kipton balancing Jill's yin with his yang, which tells me the sisters like to talk about the bedroom (points off for Ed!). Mom, who blatantly liked Kipton more during her questioning (all she did with him was nod her head and say "yeah," while facing away from him --wtf was that about anyway), informs us what anyone paying attention knew: she liked Kipton. Dad sets 'em straight, because let's face it, Dad don't care so much about the pretty boy with the yang as much as he wants his daughter cared for, by telling them that Ed told him he loved Jillian and asked permission to marry his daughter. Dad thinks Ed is deeper, which Jill needs to know, because Ed sure didn't show her in the fantasy suite. Zing!
8:31 = Jill wants to talk privately with Torie for a girl to girl talk. Here's where Ed gets shot down. Geez...Ed is gonna have a TON of pressure on the last date.
8:37 = Ed's last date. Jill says ain't much he has to say. Yeah...we get it Jill. He's got to rock your world. You need to know if he can balance your Yin with his Yang. (Sidenote: Big ups to the producer who sent them to fly over a volcano seeing as how Ed's whole problem is there apparently was no eruption. Lunch by a waterfall is not bad either. I think the producers are trying to help Ed think about his yang).
8:43 = After talking about how much pressure he's under, Ed asks her back to his place. Jill admits he's got a lot of pressure on him. And apparently after popping several ED pills, Ed delivers. In fact, Jill says "It's a HUGE relief." Who knew? (You'd have thought we'd have all seen that relief in those gay ass green daisy duke swim trunks Ed wears). Producer cues the volcano erupting video. Classy.
8:49 = Kipton's date. Jill says he's the best catch she's ever had. You know...that kind of reminds me, it appeared Kipton's folks were loaded. So he's the better looking guy (at least it's pretty clear all the Harris women think so) and he's rich. Guess that's why he can "work to live, not live to work." They proceed to ride a surfboard together with Jill cowboying Kipton as he paddles.
8:52 = Kipton is selling her on coming to San Diego and live his amazing life. Certainly seems like she is all about the Kipton.
8:59 = Courtney Cox's new show: Cougar Town. No. Shit.
9:00 = "Even though Kipton has always been the dumper and not the dumpee, there's something I really trust about him." I am sure that statement won't come back to haunt Jillian Harris at all. Not. A. Chance.
9:03 = Rich Kipton picks the ring with almost 3 carats, Sappy Ed picks the one like a heart. How apropos.
9:06 = Kipton may be on his way to propose to a woman he marries, and he is rockin' the stubble beard. Classy, Kipton. Classy. BTW, based on the way he handled things last week on the Tell All and the way he acts with Jillian here before she goes out, I think our host Chris really cares for Jillian. Chris is the bomb.
9:12 = Uh-oh...Kipton is up first. Not a good sign for him.
9:15 = After Kipton finally tells Jill he loves her, she tells him she has fallen in love with someone else. Kipton tells her he's a man and he'll have to get through this. At least he didn't pull out the ring. In the car, Kipton is a little teary eyed, but that's about it. He looks upset, but not really. There's no doubt in my mind that if she had shot down Ed, he would have balled like a bitch. He says he's definitely heart broken. Personally, I think Kipton is making a play to be the next Bachelor.
9:25 = REID! I was about to bitch about how they had sold Ed short by giving him a minivan with no limo. And somewhere, Ed is yelling for Reid to stop sweating his game.
9:31 = Reid gets down on one knee and proposes. I wonder if he sprang for that ring all on his own. Jill says she needs to think about it. Reid wants to know what there is to think about. Uh...she was about to marry Ed, dipshit. She walks inside leaving Reid on the pool pier to think about it.
9:39 = We're back. Jill is thinking shit through in the house. Reid is waiting on the pier. Ed is riding there in the limo. But don't worry, Jill...here comes Chris to help you sort it out. When asked how she is supposed to make this decision, Dr. Chris tells her because you know. Jill says she knows her heart is with Ed. Somewhere, probably Chihuahua MX, Wes is singing that they say love it don't come easy...And Reid walks right back out the door he came through.
9:48 = After saying that she was 110% sure it's Ed, Jill is standing on that podium with her hands on her hips and says he better not fucking disappoint her. And thus we get a glimpse of Jillian Harris: Wife. Good luck, Ed.
9:55 = Ed arrives. I must say, she looks pretty sure of herself as he walks up to her. Ed tells her he loves her then stops and says he has to know that she loves him before they go any further. After a pretty affirmative response to that question and a big kiss, Ed bends down as Jillian literally begins jumping for joy and shaking her hands. "Absolutely" is her answer (which is kind corny. How about just a yes). The way she is squeling and what not, it sure seems like she was never in doubt like the Kipton-Reid crap led us to believe. Then we get a video montage of their "journey" (minus the fantasy suite debacle of course). How funny is it that the song is "Everyone calls you amazing," since the word"amazing," along with "dramatic" is constantly overused on this show.
10:00 = And I'm spent. Looks like I was wrong about the Cialis commercial. Bad move, Ed. You lost millions.