What's that Private Joker? You want me to live blog the Super Bowl? Well, alright then. I'll live-blog your little game, with the Ms. Nancies runnin' around in their tight little pants. You'd like that wouldn't you, Private Joker?!
Due to some family medical issues, Von and I are foregoing all the fabulous, high-society Super Bowl Parties we were invited to and are hosting my two nephews at our house. Because of that, I have decided to try to live-blog the game. This is my first attempt at this, so let's see how it goes (all times are EST):
2:50 = We were just got treated to Bob Costas asserting his hipness by using the phrase "dropped" in his interview with the Boss.
2:55 = My nephew Chad states "I think he may be the one to watch in this game" in reference to Larry Fitzgerald. See...sharp, critical insight is genetic. Chad will be known the rest of this game as Captain Obvious.
3:02 = As much as I love Chris Collinsworth, I'm doubting he mans up and asks Rodney Harrison, "Wow, Rodney...that jam was great. You still on the HGH, man?"
3:05 = Glad to see Tony Dungy at home spending time with family. You think Dungy and Holmgren are sitting there wondering how in the hell Millen gets on that stage with them? This guy must have files on more people than J. Edgar did.
3:10 = Von just informed me that she is ready to go right now, with Mr. John Legend. BTW, note to self, next Christmas, ask for a microphone like T-Pain's.
3:13 = This extended coverage really taxes the tv folks. NBC's guy at the Cards team hotel, Bob Neumeier, just told us teams staying at that particular "undisclosed Hotel," college and pro, are 8-0 in the last 8 games. He then said Ken Whisenhunt laid some Petty on him when explaining the toughest part of today, ie., the "waiting is the hardest part." Clever, Neumeier. Very clever.
3:19 = OK...I'm only 29 minutes in and I am already sick of the cross-promotion. Super Bowl XLIII: Cards. Steelers. Patrick. Olbermann. Roker. Fast and Furious cast. WTF???? BTW, don't those two G bottles sitting on the desk with Dan and Keith look just a bit cheap?
3:22 = T-Pal interview about his hair. As someone who has been with a woman with extremely long hair, let me tell you...people are fascinated by hair. I have seen strangers just walk up to Von and start touching her hair and commenting on it. Give us lots of hair. Hair! Shoulder length or longer. Here, baby. There, baby. Everywhere, daddy, daddy.
3:25 = Conan kills. Wonder how many takes it took for him to hit that cross-bar. With the economy like it is, no way they CGI'd that.
3:30 = When Kurt Warner replays that game agains the Pats, like Costas just relayed, you think he borrows the Patriots videot tape? bah-dut-crash. Thank you...don't forget to tip your waitress.
3:32 = Goddell interview: that's a great idea about the chip in the ball for crossing the goalline or ball placement. And Roger, if they can put it in my dog, they can put it in a damn football. Also like that he just said he heard the criticism over the Flacco-Playclock-Snap play and they are gonna address it. I bet he didn't like people saying the NBA was one up on them.
3:35 = Not sure how I feel about the double-pinstripe Costas is kickin'.
3:36 = Hearing Matt Millen use the phrase "known quanity" in any aspect, without acknowledging the obvious irony in his use of it, has to be salt in the wound to Lions fans. Somewhere Wayne Fontes is wondering why he never got on TV after being fired by the Fords. Then he remembers its because he looks like a TMNT and he has another martini.
3:42 = The Rock just told Al Roker to stop drinkin'. Good stuff.
3:49 = Golly gee, wowzers. Sarah Palin has a huge head. Seriously, it's like that kids in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Head, trousers! Now!
4:00 = Ok...quick break while I make some cocktails and boil 2 lbs. of shrimp. In that order.
4:13 = Chad gives Paul Blart: Mall Cop two thumbs up. This is the same young man that is telling you Fitzy may be the guy to watch in the game. How can you not go see this film now? Kevin James says his head goes with the Steelers, but his heart goes with the Cards. I'm holding out until he tells me which way his gut is going. BTW, how does Journey weasel their way into a Super Bowl broadcast in the year 2009? They should really send David Chase a thank you card. Wonder if Randy "Dawg" Jackson will be on the bass?
4:19 = Was I the only guy in America who did not know Journey replaced Steve Perry with an Asian or Native American dude? That ain't natural. Journey without the hooknose is like Ham without the burger.
4:23 = Patrick and Olbermann really do have a great chemistry together. Dan just now to Keith: You're more of a lovin, touchin, feeling Journey fan, aren't you?
4:27 = Holmgren on Gatorade bath; It's a good sticky. Ok...moving on. Wonder why no one asked Matt Millen about Gatorade baths.
4:51 = You think Warner's current hairstyle is just copied from his wife's old one? Do they share haircare products? Come on, NBC. You've got 37 people covering this game, can't we investigate this?
4:54 = Matt Millen says you got to keep your eye on Anquan Boldin. My 14 year old nephew said it was Fitzgerald about 2 hours ago. Anyone want to bet Chad beats Millen? My money is on family...
5:08 = Obama Interview: "People think I'm cool. No body is cooler than my two girls." And Sasha has joined the basketball team.
5:09 = I've got a nice home office. Understatement.
5:56 = Matt Millen just picked the Cards. All of a sudden, I really like my Steelers pick. Collinsworth picked the Cards saying Warner was the best player on the field. WTF! Chris, you're a receiver and you think Warner is better than Fitzy? Obviously, CC is a little punch drunk from the eleven person NBC telecast. Holmgren makes "an emotional pick" of the Cardinals because he "really, really likes Kurt Warner." Get a room, you two.
6:02 = Can we all agree, for the purposes of sheer hotness, Faith Hill brings it each and every time. Done and done.
6:06 = Really, Kay Jewelers? Jane Seymor? You pay millions of dollars and you're gonna try to sell Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman to me? I'm not seeing it.
6:10 = High-comedy is watching the lily, white Steeler fans trying to bob their heads with the intro music for the Steelers.
6:11 = I love this Lebron playing for the Browns commercial, even if they have him making Dolphins players look ridiculous. But I never understand why these companies spend all this money on air time, yet don't have new commercials to play. You're generating buzz with the same old crap that has been airing since Christmas.
6:15 = Was that Probie from Rescue Me in the Matt Birk video for the Walter Payton Man of The Year? And how much better does Warner's wife look with that hair, huh? I'd give her kids a puppy...Enjoy the trophy Kurt. It's the only one you're getting tonight.
6:18 = Reiterating my post from 6:02. BTW, Sully is a rock star.
6:19 = Hudson looks nervous. She's got a big act to follow, what with Whitney and the Gulf War version and all
6:21 = this version is too musical. Just let the singer sing
6:22 = Flyover was late. Steeler players were looking for it. BTW, I just informed Von we are so going to see GI Joe.
6:24 = The "Feelin Alright" NBC commercial is in first place out of the gates. Note to readers: If you're not watching Chuck, you should be. It's a good comedy. Especially if you of the age to enjoy 80s shoutouts.
6:26 = Madden just said the Cards would have to go to two TEs. Apparently it has escaped this man's attention that the Cards don't have two healthy TEs. And this man is paid an exorbinant amount of money to offer you these opinions. Or to say BOOM and POW, one of the two.
6:29 = So does the bleached Jeff Reed look like Guy Ferrari or what. Now I've got the beautifl Alex dropping some F. Scott Fitzgerald on me. Come on, Alex. You overthought that one a little. And 12 straight years on the NFC winning the coin flip? Who knew
6:31 = Because when I think Hyundai, I think Tokyo Drifting at high speeds.
6:32 = What's the deciding factor in going with your high school instead of with you college on the intro videos? You think UNC just didn't give Willie enough love?
6:33 = Apparently the Cards did not get the memo that Hines Ward was playing, was in the lineup, was running a route and was open downfield for a 38 yards.
6:34 = If Adrian Wilson is the "senior Cardinal" does that mean he's next in line to be Pope?
6:36 = How about that Cardinal Defense, huh? BTW, the Sportsguy and Cousin Sal are cursing like sailors right now. How funny would it be if their Gary Russell no TD prop bet failed right away?
6:38 = Bill and Cousin Sal exhale.
6:41 = Ok...the Transporter Audi commercial is nice
6:42 = GO FOR IT! SNEAK IT! Wimp call. I think Tomlin may have just blown it. BTW, I don't see how that video was conclusive. It certainly looks like the knee may not have come down because he twisted back on the lineman.
6:45 = Ok...the Doritos crystall ball commercial has shot to the top of the list. Anytime you can get someone taking it in the nuts, that's good stuff. Way to go, Madison Avenue.
6:59 = That little middle screen to Heath Miller was sweet.
7:03 = So Glad Vinny D is back with a real car: Monte Carlo SS. Screw those little rice burners.
7:09 = Gary Russell TD! Sorry Bill and Cousin Sal.
7:25 = Sorry...little break there while I peeled a passle of shrimp. Plus I was trying to figure out how John Madden has finangled a 7 figure contract from two networks now, when his idea of color commentary is telling us that Kurt Warner likes to have an outlet when he goes long. And the Cards want to run Hightower on the outside and James between the tackels. BTW, that stumble by Kurt was all part of God's plan.
7:35 = Ok...I don't like the E*Trade baby commercials, just because it's a little too easy. I mean, the Doritos commercial just threw the "takin it in the nuts" shot in at the end of an already funny commercial. But ETrade is just phoning it in with the kids. Having said that, I will give them props for having the baby sing Mr. Mister lyrics. That is funny. Doritos still #1, though.
7:45 = Am I the only one who thinks Mr. Bob Costas would make a hell of a rap song or what. In the vein of Mr. Dobilina, Mr. Bob Dobilina.
7:48 - OK, the problem with that Cheetos commercial is nobody throws away a perfectly good cheeto. 29 minutes and 11 seconds before Fitzy gets his first catch.
7:50 = You think T-Pal puts anything in his hair other than juices and berries?
7:52 = IRVIN NEAL THOMAS, baby! INT! Pitt finally brings the house and Warner chokes on it. Part of God's plan, I'm sure.
7:54 = Madden: "James Harrison ran like James Brown." I just looked it up: this man makes $4 million per year. I shit you not.
7:57 = Wow, K-Dubs face is red as hell. Think he was screaming his ass off begging someone to tackle Harrison? Alex...I love you, but what did you expect him to say when you asked "What happened on that last play?" Uh...bad pass. Great effort on that tackle there, Kurt.
8:07 = BRUUUUUUUCCCCE! Yes...10th Avenue Freezeout to start. Kick Ass. Step away from the Guac and put the chicken fingers down. Classic. Anyone care to bet against the Steeler fans carrying their team to a W in the second half after the Boss just said eff it, I'm throwing everyone off and kickin it off with 10th avenue. I mean, damn, it usally takes him 15 minutes just to work into that song with the gypsy lady story and all.
8:21 = Best halftime show of all time. The BOSS rocks. That's the first time I've watched a game and wished I was there just for the halftime show. I'm going to Disneyland! From the coastline to the city, the little pretties raise their hands...
8:30 = Second half starting...Boldin goes off with a dead arm. Dislocated shoulder it looks like.
8:33 = Madden: Boldin's back...that's big. If they would have lost him, that would have been a big, big loss. 4 million per year, folks.
8:37 = Ok we just had our completely solid commercial break. the Bridgestone House of Pain, moon rover commercial was in the words of Clay Henry, the shit (and he would know, he was afterall, in the biz). Enjoyed Scorsesee and the whip cream waitress. Then the Moose ass in the face, crap job was also good. Nice triple, Madison Avenue.
8:48 = He always seems to make a play, but Big Ben sure looks like he's about to shit the bed whenever he's back there scramblin
9:02 = NBC's Conan commercials have been good. The Vroom, Vroom party starter was good. Then this one was worth it just for Tina Fey saying, "If your Conan lasts longer than 3 hours, consult a doctor."
9:08 = 4th Quarter starts. Holding on Cards wipes out decent pass play. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back your Arizona Cardinals.
9:10 = Madden: You don't want to let Kurt Warner get in a rhythm. Once again, I remind you the man makes $4 mil/year. Just on his tv contract.
9:11 = Can we all agree Yvonne Strahovski ("Sarah" on Chuck) is hot? Done and done.
9:17 = It might be a good time for the Cardinals to show up. I'm just saying...
9:20 = Is Larry Fitzgerald Sr. listening to the game, or a translation of the Nigerian UN rep's speech?
9:22 = Arizona starts throwing to Fitzy, Arizona starts moving the ball. Coincidence?
9:27 = What do ya know? Passes to Fitzy equals TDs.
9:28 = HULU's Baldwin commercial was good. Because we're Aliens...and that's how we roll. And Madden sees no irony in his continued love-affair with Fitzy's hands on a TD catch where he used his helmet, wrist and possibly the ground to actually catch the damn thing.
9:39 = Brenda, you look scarily hot now with the hair (scarily, b/c we remember what you did look like with the Susan Powter crew cut), so hows about us now working on the fashion. A pleated sleeve blouse? What are you, a pirate?
9:45 = WOW. Big play to Holmes, but offensive holding equals safety. That could have been the ball game.
9:48 = Hey, Dan Rooney...who dressed you, Larry King?
9:50 = Hey...my nephew was right. This Fitzgerald guy, he's good.
9:55 = That Bud Lime commercial reminds me of the best Miller High Life commercial of all time. Here it is: http://tinyurl.com/ctg7oc Then again, a certain amount of risk goes hand in hand with living the High Life.
10:00 = Could we be headed to Overtime?
10:01 = WOW! TOUCHDOWN. What a catch! BTW, was Kurt looking at the scoreboard to see how much time he had left or at God, wondering Why, God? WHY!!! (And yes I am beating that joke into the ground and tempting fate on my way to hell). Now how about a pick-6 to get the cover.
10:12 = STEELERS WIN. My pick was off, the Cards covered, thanks to the that overturned 1st TD. But who cares. Hell of a game. Now someone please stick a microphone in Kurt Warner's face so he can explain to me how this is part of God's plan. Cause it sure didn't look like he was singing the Lords praises over there on the sideline when the Refs upheld that Holmes TD catch.
10:23 = Hey...now Joe Namath knows what Suzy Kolber felt like getting groped that night. Anyone else wondering if Joe Willie would make it through that gauntlet without his new hips giving out.
10:24 = Rooney givin' Obama a shout out! The GOP can forget making any headway in Pennsylvania in 2012.
10:26 = Man...those Super Bowl Champ hats are cold. Straight up punkin' the Steelers last defeated opponent. And Dan telling Santonio to get the hardware from Ben...if he had said that last year to Plax about Eli, we could have seen the first televised handoff of an unregistered firearm.
10:34 = Chris Collisworth asked "what can you say about Ben Rothlisberger?" How about HE is the best QB on the field. You'll remember CC had said in pregame that Warner was the best PLAYER on the field. That was simply ridiculous.
10:37 = That local commercial with The CCU coach getting on the hunters for the crappy duck calls is good. That is one hell of a chuckle call he whips out.
10:39 = Want to know how big Steeler football is in Pennsylvania? Schools are delayed 2 hours tomorrow.
10:40 = Alex Flannigan...I love you. But asking Warner if "making to a Super Bowl, is that something you want to do again?" Come on, sweetheart. BTW, no thanks to God and Jesus Christ by Kurt. What's up with that, holmes?
OK...the Office is on...and I'm spent.
Hope those that checked it out enjoyed the live blog. And in the ever-lasting words of Posdnuos: no offense to a playa, but yo, I don't play. If you take offense, f*ck it, got to be that way.
I am a bold figure, often seen powerwalking and crushing cans. I have been known to rock a microphone. I translate American Idol for enemy noncombatants. I routinely manage to infurriate DC Metro service personel. I woo women with my impressive name-dropping and my astounding ability at butterbean shelling.
When I'm bored, I take a case of wine over to my friend's house and get introduced to all the Puerto Rican girls who are dying to meet me.
I am a logical negativist who has propounded a set of laws that the world ignores, to its detriment.
I am an expert in Post-Civil War Reconstruction, a veteran of Greenwood Baseball, and an outlaw in Murrell's Inlet.
I once built a perpetual motion machine with Steve Roberts. I make homemade Sprite. I have been and remain on double secret probation.
The Russians call me "Vilnius Nastavic," because I require but one ping. I used to handle black ops for the United States Postal Service. I helped open Dog One and have doctored flight logs for rising 5-star colonels.
I have driven from Texarkana to Atlanta in 28 hours. I had no fatalities during my brief career on the safety patrol.